someone whispered "you are beautiful"

to my ears when i was rushing to the bus stop tonight. it was brief. it made my day. i was in the art fair and i saw 10 pretty women walking pass me every minute. byron's "she walks in beauty" kept repeating itself on my mind. i wonder where they were when they were 24. and i wonder when i will become a real woman, so confident, so charming, so sure about everything. everyday i feel my presence awkward. i don't feel fit in everywhere i go.

i keep having bad dreams lately. every sign is a bad sign. dear god i hope you bless me, your little cherry has been weak.

it still breaks my heart a little everytime someone asks about my dad, and people do that a lot because they are often curious about the making of me e.g. what languages my father used to speak. it has been 3 years. many people think i should let go. it's a stage of life. a process. life has to go on.

life has been going on, so well, i have managed. but there is something about life that you are not supposed to let go. may it be a person, or a piece of memory, or both. how do you tell yourself to let go of something so dear? it is worth all those tears and more. it is worth too much of me.

i think it is because people eventually get bored by the same story repeated too many times. they are always looking for stories. and they only want stories. brand new ones.

but these are not just stories to me.

so what if i cry a little?