this is what writing means for sagan, this is what writing means for me. sometimes i am embarrassed by my own words. but afterall i do not mind how the world sees me or how naked this writing thingy is going to make me. those who love me will love me for who i am. i would be careful not to drag others in, by taking away their names, making every him a he, speaking in codes, and making everything vague. but still, i never lie about my feelings, when i feel like i need to do that to make someone feel better, i stop writing.
but sagan knew it best. not being able to write is like being in love without love, drinking without getting drunk and travelling without arriving. in other words, it sucks.
this is how being in a relationship hinders my other life. this is how sometimes things get complicated. no real person has to be in it. does it sound selfish? but i do not write for a particular purpose. even if what i write is all about him, it does not mean i am writing to make him react in a certain way, or to react at all. i expect nothing out of anything i have written, except my words standing pretty on their own and leading minds onto a dreamy state in a metaphysical kind of way. i would have addressed someone, written a letter or sent over a text if it were my purpose to make things known. but most of the time i am simply writing. i have to have my little outlet. there are things that i have got no one to talk about with. there is a part of me that has to be put into words.
why are holidays passing away in a pace so fast while weekdays are tragically long? i dreamt of nipples the other night and i checked out the meaning. it said that i am either feeling sexually inadequent or weak and dependent. i surly don't want to end up as an old virgin. honestly i cannot wait. i cannot wait to get him over here or me over there so we can make crazy love to each other. i wouldn't mind not getting married if it were with him, knowing that we are only going to last for several thousand years. if it were a crush it would have been over in 4 months, by the autumn of 2009, considering the fact that we also do not even get to see each other, not even on skype. but i haven't lived many days without him on my mind yet.
spring has left. the cherry trees have had nothing done.
it has been raining heavily all day. how nice the raindrops sound. :) dear god, please bless this lovely world. amen.
when i feel like i need to do that to make someone feel better, i stop writing.
回覆刪除<<tears came out suddenly when i read this line. i know thats y i can never finish my book.sagan like marcel proust, she said wht she learnt from him is 1) you can endlessly find somethings new on the same issue 2) the dilema of control < i m suprised since i thought sagan was very expressive that she need not to concern about this. BUt one of the most attractive side of proust is that, he is actually very sensitive n very expressive (in an obsessive level) but at the same time , he is very in-control. thats y ppl (or at least me) love to see the stupid struggle of the narrator rather than the story itself.......In the story you can see that life made marcel proust finally realized that he cant hide anymore, he should not try to learn from others, seeking for approval , the book is inside him, so he finally started his writing around 40 something. o whts the point....um yes! forget the others!! referring to your sentence. Im very honest too, caring about other;s feeling too much means I can never finish my book!!!