fly me to the moon

i hate it the most when i don't even feel pretty. my boobs have somehow downsized to the extent that no bra is necessary. i am a woman without cleavage. how pathetic is that.

no matter how hard life is, feeling good about myself always helps. i could cry for hours and hours until i had to vomit and still manage to feel beautiful. but not today, not this week. not these days.

life is seriously wearing me out.

but i am thankful. i love my job. i love having a job. i love having a job that pays enough for everyone to get by. i love paying the rent on time. i love settling bills. i love being the angel for somebody. it is my vanity. it must be. it makes me feel good being all loving and responsible. it makes me feel wonderful being the giver. it gets my nerves hopping knowing that everyone has something or someone to count on.

everyone is vain in some ways. i am not especially good, or bad. i am just vain.

charity itself is vanity. the worst kind of vanity, possibly. building your own sense of goodness on someone else's misfortune. oh that's just ridiculous. who invented it at the first place? why wasn't society implemented with the concept that the real meaning of charity is simply giving back what you have taken from others? the extra share that you have taken due to whatever reasons?

have you ever thought about what you have actually done to deserve this? to be born lucky and able to good parents in a good city?

why is life so unfair?

i feel guilty being who i am, having all i have. but i need more, and i will always want more than i need. and i will still whine from time to time. and i feel pressure. sometimes i envy those who only need to think about taking care of themselves alone.

i wish i lived in a fairy-tale. stupid eve why did you ever eat that apple? (i am blaming you every period of the month.)

ohhhh maybe it's not about what i have done, but what my parents have done, and what my grandparents have done. if i am ever deserving, it must be because of the good seeds they sowed.

obviously i am in a bad and confusing mood.