我的靈魂很寂寞。
墨音說：80s, we can't stop doing something.
今天的思緒還是有點混亂，我覺得近來我在做的事情，已經慢慢令我離開了20多歲的階梯，可能因為我總是很累，而要做的「正經事」總是沒完沒了，亦也許因為我在過著正常人的生活，上班、下班，而星期六、日也沒有自己的時間，自己的時間逼不得已都用來睡覺了，因為我總是很累。
我的年少輕狂不是要去花天酒地、瘋狂跳舞，那些只是花絮，還是過眼雲煙，不過我的年少輕狂也不可能是永遠假設日子有未來，然後把一切來自青春的悸動、脈搏裡的慾望留到明天，每次當我帶著滿滿一腦子的靈思躺在床上，累得沒法爬起來寫的時候，就覺得痛苦。
我最奢侈的希望，只是在靈思湧現的時候可以靜靜的坐下來盡情也忘情地寫作。
當然，也有奢侈一點的，也就是閒來可以逛展覽、在荷里活道流連忘返，從薄扶林散步到中環，在海旁喝咖啡、看日落、看一本好書。原來我想要做的東西都不花錢，可是為甚麼我就是沒有那個精力、時間和機會...... :(
there is a difference between a daydreamer and a nightdreamer, a daydreamer makes dreams happen while a nightdreamer's dreams stay in the dark.
朋友提出想要和需要的問題, 如果一個人分不清想要和需要, 未免也就太悲哀了。
我想我想要的其實都是我需要的，曾經想要一隻戒指, 不在乎價值, 就算值$10也好, 我只需要那份浪漫以外的一份肯定，跳傘時候一個小小的落腳點; 今日我好想要一本書, 也許還想要一本畫冊, 因為我的靈魂那麼寂寞, 它需要被滋養。
我發現自己很掛念理察教授, 我青春裡最輕狂的時候, 也許就是那個寫詩等如「正經事」, 而花上小時去討論一個不存在的現實也是理所當然的時候，那樣的青春多麼美好, 可以活在當下是那麼逍遙。
但願我可以找回那些掉落的青春。
2010年9月2日 星期四
today i planned to sit here and write......
but somehow i wasted all my time in front of that little box generating light and sounds, we call that a television. these days a lot is going on my mind, over and over again. i am freaking out inside. i am so scared of life, like i mentioned before, the deaths that come with it are haunting me. i cannot imagine death itself. i have seen it, right upon my father's bed, and then he died, i remember myself shaking insanely at the arrival of its approach. maybe i am affected because diasaters are everywhere in this world now. nowhere seems to be safe enough. the headlines are occupied by either deadly incidents or record-breaking properties. a house no longer means a home, at least not to our society. i am going to go with the flow, not knowing where my thoughts will take me. i have farther trapped myself, but maybe this time, more happily. because finally, there is someone for me. always near. i have to sleep now, can't continue writing no more. hate having to get up so early. but i love my job. i just wish to stay within the art sphere, in any lovely and possible ways. autumn is coming. summer has passed. i wonder what i have done in the past few months, not much indeed. each year i wait for summer so longingly, i miss may once it has passed. how i miss the may day flowers.
2010年8月23日 星期一
life is too much.
each time i get a flu i can't escape the thought that this is it, i will never get better.
i dragged my sleepy body home yesterday afternoon, and started sleeping once i got on my bed. i envy those who are healthy and energetic. i envy the old me, how i once was, who could stay up all night drinking and went straight to work afterwards.
i wonder what life has done to me. i seldom drink these days. i go to bed early. but i don't eat much. i can't. the weather is too hot. am i no longer young?
my head is dizzy still. runny nose continues to run. there is a slight pain on my chest.
life scares me. its sickness, accidents and deaths. the way we can hurt and bleed. the taste of medicine. images of human weakness. my own fate.
i dragged my sleepy body home yesterday afternoon, and started sleeping once i got on my bed. i envy those who are healthy and energetic. i envy the old me, how i once was, who could stay up all night drinking and went straight to work afterwards.
i wonder what life has done to me. i seldom drink these days. i go to bed early. but i don't eat much. i can't. the weather is too hot. am i no longer young?
my head is dizzy still. runny nose continues to run. there is a slight pain on my chest.
life scares me. its sickness, accidents and deaths. the way we can hurt and bleed. the taste of medicine. images of human weakness. my own fate.
2010年8月19日 星期四
我生病了......
其實這也已是等閒事，朋友問我怎麼總是要患感冒，我也不知道啊...... 我也覺得很委屈。這個時晨還坐在這裡風花雪月實在不太明智，但近來寫東西的興致又回來了。
今天捱著病去了大學註冊，九月開始我就是碩士生了，心裡有點兒戰戰競競的。之後我們去了看醫生，病了，才知道他的好，才知道自己也有軟弱的時候，心想他能夠一直抱著我就好了。
言談間，偶然還是會流露天馬行空的想法，要在這兒買塊地、那兒起棟樓，要買遊艇、買飛機，要去環遊世界、到天涯海角去追尋藝術的真善美。
不過很多事情，再奢華也好，都是說說就可以了，我甚麼都不求，人生中，我最珍惜、令我最感動的，其實是我回到家裡，躺在床上、半睡半醒之間，靜聽家人在客廳閒話家常的時候。
噢，我又老套起來了，不過有幾多人走了幾多年的路，驀然回首，才發現最珍貴的東西早已在身邊。
唯有家的感覺，是千金難求。做人，知足便好。
那天晚上，和他在天台看星，竟然讓我看到了人生中的第一顆流星！像我很久以前說過的，跟這個人的緣份不知怎的就是很對，好像只要我們在一起，好事就會發生，所謂的好事，並不是中六合彩或是升職加薪，卻是像看到流星之類的，這樣單純的美好。
我到底還是一個找到了喜歡的人，就情話連篇的女人。:/
今天捱著病去了大學註冊，九月開始我就是碩士生了，心裡有點兒戰戰競競的。之後我們去了看醫生，病了，才知道他的好，才知道自己也有軟弱的時候，心想他能夠一直抱著我就好了。
言談間，偶然還是會流露天馬行空的想法，要在這兒買塊地、那兒起棟樓，要買遊艇、買飛機，要去環遊世界、到天涯海角去追尋藝術的真善美。
不過很多事情，再奢華也好，都是說說就可以了，我甚麼都不求，人生中，我最珍惜、令我最感動的，其實是我回到家裡，躺在床上、半睡半醒之間，靜聽家人在客廳閒話家常的時候。
噢，我又老套起來了，不過有幾多人走了幾多年的路，驀然回首，才發現最珍貴的東西早已在身邊。
唯有家的感覺，是千金難求。做人，知足便好。
那天晚上，和他在天台看星，竟然讓我看到了人生中的第一顆流星！像我很久以前說過的，跟這個人的緣份不知怎的就是很對，好像只要我們在一起，好事就會發生，所謂的好事，並不是中六合彩或是升職加薪，卻是像看到流星之類的，這樣單純的美好。
我到底還是一個找到了喜歡的人，就情話連篇的女人。:/
2010年8月17日 星期二
空中小姐 / 空轉小姐
總有些男性朋友會鼓勵我去當空姐，有次放棄了面試機會，他們覺得很可惜，我說假若我真的跑去當空姐，我的腦袋就沒有用了，其中一位朋友聽了生氣，問我是不是指空姐都是沒腦的，噢，我說不是，每個人的腦袋都有不同用處吧，但你要我去當空姐，委實是浪費了我的知識，我捨不得放下藝術和文學，每天只穿上漂亮制服去笑臉迎人。大學畢業前，我一直把應徵空姐作為一條退路，想著如果找不到工作就做住先，後來與來自北歐的男孩子談戀愛，曾經覬覦過那些一折機票，終於又是沒法的得起心肝。
我時常覺得自己很老套，才二十有三，開口埋口都是養家，計來計去都是交租家用，我羨慕大學時代的自己，一頭栽進青春裡去，只做喜歡的事，只見喜歡的人，那麼投入、那麼享受，好像有無窮無盡的精力，那裡都去，去那裡都好，一心只想風花雪月一輩子。這年多的日子不知道是怎樣走過來的，幸好還沒有要離開藝術這回事。有人說把興趣當成工作是一件痛苦的事，我反而相信唯有這樣才能讓我在營營役役裡找到喘息的空間。朋友分享了王貽興的《空轉人生》，突然，我懷疑我已經離開了空轉狀態，在不知不覺間腳踏實地了起來，我知道我的人生至少成就了一個家，我喜歡當一個可以讓別人倚靠的人。
年少氣盛的我總是想要成就大業，覺得自己生出來是特別的，要當個偉大的甚麼甚麼，現在年雖少，氣卻不敢太盛了，擺脫了想要一步登天的心態，機會是要來的，我還是會等，老闆說所有大事都不免要經歷瑣碎，雖然是老掉牙的道理，但的而且確，我人愈大愈變得小心翼翼，雖然還戒不掉偶然發作的率性輕狂，但明白了，所有成就都是要花心思去慢慢砌出來的。
近來因為工作的關係，重新認識建築這門藝術，愈來愈欣賞這一份從零開始、由低至高的堅持，我喜歡一切美好的無中生有。我相信好的建築，是給心靈與身體的一份慰藉，它從繪畫開始，但比繪畫更實在；它融合了音樂的特性，表現觸得到的音色，正如歌德說：「建築是凝固了的音樂。」如果我可以從頭活多一次，也許我也會想成為一位建築師，但怎樣看我也不像吧…… 然而能當他背後的女人，也是不錯的。理想的愛情，除了愛情本身，大概還可以成就很多事情。
我時常覺得自己很老套，才二十有三，開口埋口都是養家，計來計去都是交租家用，我羨慕大學時代的自己，一頭栽進青春裡去，只做喜歡的事，只見喜歡的人，那麼投入、那麼享受，好像有無窮無盡的精力，那裡都去，去那裡都好，一心只想風花雪月一輩子。這年多的日子不知道是怎樣走過來的，幸好還沒有要離開藝術這回事。有人說把興趣當成工作是一件痛苦的事，我反而相信唯有這樣才能讓我在營營役役裡找到喘息的空間。朋友分享了王貽興的《空轉人生》，突然，我懷疑我已經離開了空轉狀態，在不知不覺間腳踏實地了起來，我知道我的人生至少成就了一個家，我喜歡當一個可以讓別人倚靠的人。
年少氣盛的我總是想要成就大業，覺得自己生出來是特別的，要當個偉大的甚麼甚麼，現在年雖少，氣卻不敢太盛了，擺脫了想要一步登天的心態，機會是要來的，我還是會等，老闆說所有大事都不免要經歷瑣碎，雖然是老掉牙的道理，但的而且確，我人愈大愈變得小心翼翼，雖然還戒不掉偶然發作的率性輕狂，但明白了，所有成就都是要花心思去慢慢砌出來的。
近來因為工作的關係，重新認識建築這門藝術，愈來愈欣賞這一份從零開始、由低至高的堅持，我喜歡一切美好的無中生有。我相信好的建築，是給心靈與身體的一份慰藉，它從繪畫開始，但比繪畫更實在；它融合了音樂的特性，表現觸得到的音色，正如歌德說：「建築是凝固了的音樂。」如果我可以從頭活多一次，也許我也會想成為一位建築師，但怎樣看我也不像吧…… 然而能當他背後的女人，也是不錯的。理想的愛情，除了愛情本身，大概還可以成就很多事情。
2010年8月15日 星期日
lying on my bed, heavy-headed.
i wonder what has gone so wrong between you and me, you-and-me has exhausted me.
i wish you well, but whatever troubles you have created i cannot help. i think i am cruel, heartless, and not so kind afterall. about a year and a half ago i thought we could keep this family well together, it only ended up that i was left on my own to put it all together. it was hard. so, so difficult. most nights i cried on my way back home alone because it was how i felt, so, so alone.
i lie on my bed, heavy-headed. my heart truly aches, for you and what you are facing, dear but i cannot deal with it at all, i am completely worn out after this long year. i am only able to do what i do and keep what i have. i cannot afford nothing more, or less.
once upon a time you had a family, it was your family. i counted you in. it could have been less hard for everyone if you would commit enough. but you always chose your girlfriend and dogs over us. a home is not a hotel. it is not where you can check in and out casually just as you like. my family means the world to me.
i can only hope that god will guide you onto the right way.
i wish you well, but whatever troubles you have created i cannot help. i think i am cruel, heartless, and not so kind afterall. about a year and a half ago i thought we could keep this family well together, it only ended up that i was left on my own to put it all together. it was hard. so, so difficult. most nights i cried on my way back home alone because it was how i felt, so, so alone.
i lie on my bed, heavy-headed. my heart truly aches, for you and what you are facing, dear but i cannot deal with it at all, i am completely worn out after this long year. i am only able to do what i do and keep what i have. i cannot afford nothing more, or less.
once upon a time you had a family, it was your family. i counted you in. it could have been less hard for everyone if you would commit enough. but you always chose your girlfriend and dogs over us. a home is not a hotel. it is not where you can check in and out casually just as you like. my family means the world to me.
i can only hope that god will guide you onto the right way.
2010年8月7日 星期六
panic
i guess i must be too much in love and in too deep, my dreams told me. and now i have become hopeless and helpless. i have lost my confidence, which used to make me charming. and i have lost all my senses, living life like numb all these months.
i wonder what he has done to me. maybe it's just karma. because i thought i could get by without getting involved.
the new flat is nice. except that there is a bird nest in my kitchen and the washing machine is magically broken. the toilet keeps dripping water. it is costing me a lot. costing me too much. but the sense of security is priceless.
i decided to move each time i lost security to where i lived. a house is not a home when it's not safe and protective. i wonder if the same goes for boyfriends, too. but it was never truly my decision to let go, it was just the very strong sense which told me i was given up and it would be right to write it away so i could move on.
i am sitting here alone totally shcoked by how pathetic it is to be in love. no matter how careful you are your heart will always be eaten up. it's just human instinct, or womanhood.
but why should i fear? A was right. whatever that is mine will eventually be. however dear my heart, please don't break too hard when the time is here.
i wonder what he has done to me. maybe it's just karma. because i thought i could get by without getting involved.
the new flat is nice. except that there is a bird nest in my kitchen and the washing machine is magically broken. the toilet keeps dripping water. it is costing me a lot. costing me too much. but the sense of security is priceless.
i decided to move each time i lost security to where i lived. a house is not a home when it's not safe and protective. i wonder if the same goes for boyfriends, too. but it was never truly my decision to let go, it was just the very strong sense which told me i was given up and it would be right to write it away so i could move on.
i am sitting here alone totally shcoked by how pathetic it is to be in love. no matter how careful you are your heart will always be eaten up. it's just human instinct, or womanhood.
but why should i fear? A was right. whatever that is mine will eventually be. however dear my heart, please don't break too hard when the time is here.
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