panic

i guess i must be too much in love and in too deep, my dreams told me. and now i have become hopeless and helpless. i have lost my confidence, which used to make me charming. and i have lost all my senses, living life like numb all these months.

i wonder what he has done to me. maybe it's just karma. because i thought i could get by without getting involved.

the new flat is nice. except that there is a bird nest in my kitchen and the washing machine is magically broken. the toilet keeps dripping water. it is costing me a lot. costing me too much. but the sense of security is priceless.

i decided to move each time i lost security to where i lived. a house is not a home when it's not safe and protective. i wonder if the same goes for boyfriends, too. but it was never truly my decision to let go, it was just the very strong sense which told me i was given up and it would be right to write it away so i could move on.

i am sitting here alone totally shcoked by how pathetic it is to be in love. no matter how careful you are your heart will always be eaten up. it's just human instinct, or womanhood.

but why should i fear? A was right. whatever that is mine will eventually be. however dear my heart, please don't break too hard when the time is here.