today it feels as though i have fallen into a timeless hollow.

it must be the weather, the slightly cool atmosphere mixed with rain, it feels a bit like the aarhus summer, it feels more like my father's season. i stayed up late last night playing the guitar with my little sister, (she was the one playing the guitar,) i did not go out, as a flu was coming after me i could feel. but it was friday, you know, once you go to sleep it would be saturday too soon, and then the holiday would be over, and then it would be all about work, and then a lifetime would have passed you by already.

this weather is a bit depressing, i keep listening to songs that are either vintage or filled with teenage lovesickness, they have dragged me in a lovesick mood again. the sky is gloomy, my room is dark, the world is too quiet. today feels like a day to be filled with everyone i can possibly miss. i want to gather them all in one room and have heart-to-heart talks

or share this silence with some companies.

oh well, but you know, some people, they are not here anymore, and they never will be physically present again. i am sad every autumn. i know how life has already happened as good as it can though. i used to turn a deaf ear to my dad while he was talking, as i was a teenager and rebellious, but these days his words come back to me and do great help, especially when i am most desperate for comfort. it was like he knew what would be the most useful to me when i am confused and on my own.

these sweet tunes saved my day! <3

望穿秋水

沒有被記下的生活恍惚是白過了一樣，有些人活著是為了白字黑紙，不斷地為未來製造可能懷緬的事情，我是那樣的人，因此我是我最忠實的讀者，這是出於自戀的本能，還是我真的徹頭徹尾地熱愛我的生命？

好了。事情是這樣的，我近日又做了一件瘋狂的事情，不過acting on impulse是年少輕狂的特色，我還未能預計他收到那份我在郵局親吻過的禮物之後會有甚麼反應，不過我倒是自得其樂（我總是自得其樂），我就只需要有個人，給我衝勁去製造浪漫之餘，又可以承受甚至是回應我的心思。

我想，「望穿秋水」這四個字最能形容我當下的感受，我早就說過，他會是我最貪心的願望，我明明是個知足又易滿足的人，唯有我們倆的這件事情令我很執迷，拍拖明明是尋常的幸福，相親相愛的人滿街都是，不過我要見我的親愛的就得承受一年去幾次歐洲的奢侈，機票是可以賺的，但賺機票要花時間，我最缺的就是時間，我又沒有本事用最少的時間賺最多的機票，最諷刺的事情終於發生了，一個從來只愛才不愛財的人，心甘情願地讓金錢主宰了她的幸福...... :/ (我沒有所謂手到拿來的幸福。)

愈困難就愈困難，好像是命運有心處處要我挑戰極限一樣，我又不甘心不堅持，因為我知道我不可能找得到更親愛我或我更親愛的人，這樣的一個人，就只有這麼一個了，時間很短也很長，日子過得很快也很慢，但年年月月日日我很想愛他。

我等 ─

等多久都等。

青春就只有這麼一回了，你不活就活不了。

i have almost decided to stop writing.

seriously. at least here, as i don't know if people are reading because they like what i write or they care about me, or because they want gossips or things to make fun of. i did not care so much about it before, but now i do, i should not, but somehow i do. unless i am to make fun on purpose, which i seldom do, most things written here are not supposed to be funny. sometimes, i think if one could read my mind, or just feel the way i feel, one should be in tears.

i find it funny that people stare at the scars on my leg more often than i expect them to be stared at. at first i was almost convinced that it was only because i thought people were staring. but i am not exactly stupid enough to not be able to tell whether people are staring or not. sometimes i even forgot that the scars were still there, until i followed someone's gaze all the way to where they were, and then i was reminded of their existence.

i think my period is due in one week, since i am feeling my hormones again. they run through my body like some annoying little elves. why does a woman have to go through the same pain every month? it is not fair. why am i always complaining about it? i am annoyed.

oh well. but everything written here expires the second i leave here. i will always write about the same thing again if i happen to feel the same again. i do not mind. what i do not like is the me today being judged by how i was yesterday. what happened, happened, what is gone, is gone. you get to be good at moving on.

lately i feel really bad about not being able to see my dad again. i know. it's an old story now. but some stories break your heart constantly. maybe it's because of the mid-autumn festival, i have not yet met a person as crazy about mooncakes as he did. hey! old man! i miss you. :/

the only comfort is that i know he will always be proud of me. or that i am good enough to make him as proud as a father can be.

because there is no cinderella story

and everything has to be hard earned. because you can pray for good luck to fall on you, but not for someone to rescue you. because you know fragility, the way some people can just disappoint or disappear, thus you'd rather have people counting on you, than to have yourself counting on anybody, the only person you can rely fully on is always yourself. i think there are million things i can do, and that i am able to fulfill my life. i prefer to give more than i can take, simply to make sure that people do not think it a loss working/dealing/being with me. (i am just reaffirming my beliefs.)

life is moving too slow and too fast at the same time. i have waited all week for this friday to arrive, but when it got here i got totally bored. luckily milo was with me, she took me to the reservoir and there we watched the sky. we tried to catch midnight in paris by going to three different cinemas, and failed. but the night in hongkong was still lovely.

i always want to play the piano when i am most tired.

i wish someone would pay me to write eventually, so that i can have all the time in the world to write day and night, and dig all the way till my heart bleeds. i love words because i am secretly a control freak. i want everything under control, thus i write. because writing is the only thing i can master, in my most helpless hours i wrote the most, and somehow my own words got me through, because no matter how bad reality got, my words were always graceful, and i sort of know for sure that they always will be.

may thy grace be with me.

dying in the sun

i don't know how to explain this contradictory feeling inside me. i think i have known him far too long, and that we have been together forever already, but my heart still leaps to his presence, the slightest thought of our first kiss drives the butterflies in my stomach wild, that huge smile on my face will not go away. i have never been this much in love, even with him, it is the first time i feel so. i feel surreal. i don't know how i have come this far to get so close to where i am now, or what i have.

my little sunflower

is gifted with a giant smile, calling me aunt

in a sunbeam-like energetic voice, transcending light,

lighting darkness. we were running on the rooftop

in the night of mid-autumn, having fun in the game of monsters

and kung-fu, he was playing bruce lee being defeated, lying on my

laps with his eyes closed and his mouth half-open. he loved it when

i screamed and mourned, saying "oh little dragon, don't die,

wake up!" he would then leak a little smile -

and i have not seen anything more cuddly my whole life.

he arrived that year after my father died, he used to sleep

on my bed for quite some time,
in each of those mornings i turned around

and said to him "good morning", kissing his cheek, and there,

in each golden autumn he shone the brightest,

smiling at me the sweetest smiles.

it is sometimes a bit annoying

when someone assumes that you can do something simply basing on the fact that they do something themselves. seriously, it can be like that but it is not always like that. people are different. (this i keep in mind, too, as i may go around assuming things from time to time when i am not paying attention to my thoughts.)

if you can claim a person your friend and sleep with him/her (and that you can have many friends like that and can do the same with many bodies), that's just you. although the case is rare, but there are actually people who wait all their lives hoping that they can find that one true love and sleep with just one person for the rest of their lives. it is easy to go all flower-hearted and fall in love as often as one can. but there are things that a person does or does not do. we all have certain bottom-lines that we try our best never to cross. falling in love is one thing, sleeping around is a different thing. this is more or less a matter of personal choice, but your choice is not necessarily everybody else's choice. some people would rather not make that choice.

i waited all my life for this one thing to be done right. i might have a million crushes and a few boyfriends before but here is this one thing i can do with just one person, if i were lucky enough it would be just this one person for the rest of my life. (amen.)

i don't crave sex, i crave the two of us. if it can happen with anybody, it is probably worthless.