i found a crystal

in idar-oberstein.

i saw a crystal in my boss' friend's office. my boss told me to look at it since it was so special i would never have the chance to look at it twice after i parted with it. but then he asked his friend how much it cost, saying that i would like to buy it. his friend gave it to me as a gift and said he hoped it would bring me good luck.

so i brought it all the way from idar-oberstein to home and gave it to my mom on her birthday. she was so happy to see it and she has been happy ever since.

all treasures come unexpectedly. :)

威尼斯 -- 見藝化水

生平第一次到外地工作，獻給了威尼斯與她的雙年展，總算貫徹我風花雪月的願望。日以繼夜地在水城游走，破浪的破浪，穿越了小巷，拿著地圖領著路，閒時抹一把汗，總算沒有怎樣迷路，賺到了少少的成功感。

終於明白為何這是個持續數月的展覽，為何這展覽要兩年才辦一次，因有太多的來不及看，看過的太多來不及消化...... 我這個老古董，還是喜歡一件作品看很多次，看到喜歡的回家做些功課再回去看。要細味一個威尼斯雙年展，不可能只待在那裡三兩天，必須花上三兩個月，否則一切都是蜻蜓點水，走馬看花，不夠入肉，如何刻骨？

但在這裡我想陳訴一個藝術愛好者/ 工作者的心願：給我藝術的創意，也請給我藝術的誠意。

無疑這是很自私的想法，因我擺脫不了一件事─我一直痴心妄想著每件藝術作品都必須是藝術家窮一生精神與心血誕下的果實，一口咬下去，是苦的，是甜的，是酸得叫人流眼淚的，怎樣都不緊要，最緊要是來自藝術家費盡心神為世界種下的一棵苗，一口口咬下去，無論甚麼滋味，都叫人甘心。不過這也許與我個人的性格有關，就像我走進酒吧寧願要雞尾酒也不要啤酒一樣，一下開瓶的動作到底太簡單，而且到處也一式一樣，我喜歡精心製作的雞尾酒，一處地方一處味道，透過味蕾印烙記憶。

所以我不知道香港館在做甚麼。也許李傑是很好的，但他未必是最好的，也許他在表達一些東西，但香港未必沒有其他更值得表達的東西。我在我由於自身才疏學淺而妄下判斷之前，先再了解一下：http://www.venicebiennale.hk/2013/

如果李傑是以空間和物質建構回憶的無限性，我在展場內除了感覺一陣荒涼與虛無，並無其他可能的共鳴。那荒涼與虛無來自場館的空虛，來自一個香港人在威尼斯走進香港館之後感受到的唏噓，如果沒有更好的要表達，何不把機會和場所留給胸懷更多熱情的藝術家？而又，為甚麼只有一個藝術家？

這些普通素材在整個展覽中的陳列看似隨意，但實際上卻是被精準的擺放，用以觸發情感和感官，進而喚起真實和虛幻的回憶。

真懷疑這「精準」的標準來自那裡，又如何量度？情感和感官的觸發點，是真有其事，還是藝術家與主辦機構在自圓其說？

我見香港是在威尼斯化了水，多一滴不多，少一滴，相信也無可無不可。

my idea

love is always remembering what makes you love the people you love at the very beginning. love is free of expectations, hopes and desires. love inspires and love creates. love is happy, and even when it is sad or broken it is beautiful. love makes you feel. love is putting the people you love before yourself. love brings smiles and good luck. love helps you understand your inner self. love is understanding. love is becoming a better person for those you love. love is giving. love is faith. love is kindness. love is sweet most of the time and sour sometimes. love is strength. love is love your best when you can, and let go when you must. love is falling in love with the same person too many times. love is a sign. love is water, it nurtures, nourishes and purifies.

monday

if you deserve something, you will have something. if something doesn't come to you, something isn't meant for you. if you have to ask, it's not yours.

you can't force things to happen, anything that you force to happen will become a seed of doubt in your heart and grows its roots all the way until everything falls apart.

it's strange that apart from the usual depression i spend a week on every month, my stomach is suddenly very into vomiting. it cannot take any pressure to the extent that i cannot even stand wearing a bra. yea, real charming walking around without a bra with boobs so ridiculously small.  

i know all the tricks to be lovely. i know that confidence is a charmer and if you don't have it you can fake it. i know that it's considered cool being able to walk away from anything. but i cannot be anything like that. i spend my days being quiet writing about things that interest me alone, and become so stupidly happy when someone tells me that they like what i write, or that they are a bit interested in the strange thoughts in my head. a little affection goes a long way. i believe that there are two kinds of people who succeed in the end, the kind that knows how to play smart, and the kind that focuses and works hard. i can't play smart. when your heart rules your mind you can't be too smart.

well, so i come here to write. after i die my children or grandchildren will have something to read about, if they care. if they are anything like me they must care a bit though. i love leaving traces of my life behind. but now i am very very far behind. i can see that i am behind many things. the last trick i know is that, if you don't focus too much on yourself, and if you minimize your own existence, it does not matter.

but you should not do that. unless you're a Buddhist. you can always choose to be a Buddhist though.

i think people blog because people have things that they want to share with someone but they don't know who to share things with so they share things on their blogs with their invisible audience.  if i were born with an artist's talent i would make art instead, or if i were a little more musical i would make music. there are some cooler ways to express oneself, and there are some ways that are uncool. but we all have our own ways.

happy mom, happy day :)

dear diary,

(does anyone still begin their diaries this way? nostalgic!) so today is mother's day and we brought mom to dinner and celebrated after with a cake.  mom has been so happy these days and she kept saying how happy she is to have us as her children.  i think she is too sweet and too easily amused and satisfied, comparing to what she has done for us and dad and many other people, what we have done for her are very little.  these little things i can afford to do will never add up to her sweetness.  when life brings me down it's her who keeps me up, and when i feel like the world has rejected me she is always here for me.  she is the only reason that keeps me on track and be a good and responsible person in the best way i can.  i am not so strong myself.  i am indeed very weak inside and out, mentally and physically, but i have her.  so when i am sad i still feel that i am blessed and try to be happy again.  and when i am sick i still struggle to get well so to make her worry less.  

so even though i just vomited all the food out, i can't feel too bad about it. :) my stomach has been stupid for two days already... i guess it's another symptom of pms.

(i think when i was little i also ended my diaries saying "i love you diary".  i don't love my diaries as much as i used to now, but i probably should.  afterall it swallows whatever good and bad things i write about.)

so here ends another weekend, i slept for 15 hours last night, without brushing my teeth nor removing my make-up. (sigh!)  after being out with my brother looking for sneakers in the afternoon i became terribly dizzy when i got home.  only half of the plans i planned to carry out this weekend have been realized. 

everyday is passing by so fast lately. too much to do, too little time.  in just two week's time i will be off to italy and germany.  i can't say i am excited since i am overly worried about getting lost.  it's okay to get lost alone, but not so good when you should be leading the way for your boss and colleagues...  but i hope i can enjoy the trip and see as much art as i can. :)

and tomorrow is all about writing like crazy again, i hope my stomach won't mess up my schedule.  i have many deadlines to meet... :/ 

and two things to keep in mind lately: firstly, love is not about what i say, but what i do. but it's as important knowing how to walk the walk, talk the talk, walk the talk and talk the walk. secondly, never treat someone as my option when they treat me as their priority. 

work hard, stay humble

lately i have been super overloaded with all kinds of d\writings, from product literature to letters and interviews... there are just too many, and writing is something you cannot force. so i am just squeezing my mind for producing words most of the time.

but i actually love that i am busy. the more i get to write the better. when i compare my writings now to my writings a year ago, i can see a huge difference already. so my conclusion is that you can't imagine how far you can actually reach unless you really push it. pushing works for me. 

however, my skin is not reacting good to all these... pimples appeared on the right side of my face -- many of them.  so tonight i picked up body shop's tea tree oil series again and hope it can cure them. :( 

but sleeping is the best medicine so i guess i should just sleep now. 

goodnight world. :)

 

me and my own small world

i read the same books too many times, watch the same movies too many times, go to the same restaurants too many times, wear the same shoes too many times, visit the same places too many times, speak to the same people too many times, and drink the same drinks too many times.  i repeat myself too many times. 

but that's just me.  i do the same things over and over again.  if i don't get tired i stick with them for life, and if i do i stop them altogether.  i believe that the only way to get rid of a habit/ an obsession is to indulge yourself with it intensively.  too much of anything can make a person sick, and to get well is to get sick first.

lately i am a bit confused about life, (i am always a bit confused.)  i am not sure what to think or feel, and how to behave.  when i feel more and more connected to my inner soul and life purposes, i feel that i am drifting farther and farther away from the outer world and other people.  the best communication i can offer is to be a listener and laugh along, or talk silly.

i am not interested in the things that interest most people, and most of the things that i find interesting interest me alone.  dreams are strange, too many strange places, strangers and strange animals.  this week i have been to a chinese temple in which people worship a horse, venice where the boats float uphill to a secret garden, and an indian village where there are quite a few elephants and a group of ostrich-like-chicken running wild, people there lived in tall triangular tents made of wheat.  last night it was alright, i only dreamt that i fell asleep at work and my boss woke me up and told me to resign because my low efficiency wasted all his money, and then i was at a cemetery with people i hardly knew.

another weekend is coming to its end. i have finally got myself two pairs of new shoes yesterday.   i hope they will last longer than usual. :/ everytime i go buy shoes i am a little ashamed of myself walking in the shops wearing my old and completely worn-out shoes.  but i can't help it.  shopping is annoying unless it happens in a love-at-first-sight kind of way, and when weekends arrive i am too lazy to go anywhere...

i am planning to buy mom big bunches of roses this week though, so i hope i can find a day to go to the flower market after work.