i am merely 23.

it makes the half dead me come alive – the idea that i’m going somewhere. i hate the idea of not making progress, it breaks my heart to see time being wasted away, standing still – i hate the idea that i cannot see the world. i just want to see it. not the malls, not the shops. i just want some quiet afternoons and the fairytale-like beautiful sceneries, some wonderful moments that would last forever. i would gaze like a greedy kid. i have waited for nearly 2 years. it is a dream that has grown on me. the reasons why it started out as a dream no longer matter. i am not sure about my reasons. i only feel it in my veins. there is this thing that i need to do. i can’t wait till i am older. i have waited long enough.

i am merely 23.

once upon a time i would say to myself that the world was in my hands, and everything was possible. that was the summer before love disappeared. (and came back in a realistic kind of way.) that summer was extremely hot. now it’s going to be for me the coldest winter ever. of course i am afraid. i am afraid of everything. i am worried about a lot of things, families, career, love and life itself in either a smaller picture or a bigger one. i wish i could get everything right. i wish i had done well.

i wish to not keep judging myself so constantly. i am exhausted by my own thoughts. why do i need a reason for everything? why am i so afraid of not being able to be perfect?

because i am afraid that if i am not perfect, i am not deserving.