it can't be love.

of course it can't be. it is only how the slightest idea of your existence gets the butteflies in my stomach flapping wings like some warning signals of a tsunmai. it is only how i always feel that urgency to tell you 10 things that happen in my life each day yet it will make me too clumsy, so i write a thousand words on each thing and press delete, and eventually i go through a process of selection just to pick out one thing or two and condense everything into a very brief and boring summary. it is only the way i felt the inside of me melting like an ice cream under the sun when i saw you waiting there for me. it was only how it moved me so much i could cry when i spent the whole night staring at the ceiling knowing you are sleeping sound in the same room with me because it was too much like old time and i found it hard to believe. it is only how i always return to you when the days are bad, and somehow no matter how far you are away from me, you are always there at the right time, even virtually. it is only how i have to make the biggest efforts to keep my eyes off you. it is only how i have met enough boys after you just to figure out that no one else can make me feel the way you can. it is only how i have ever been so demanding and difficult but you make me compromise so willingly like a complete loser or worse an idiot without even having to try. it is only how your smiles amuse me in the best way one's smiles can, everytime you smile i find it so extremely adorable that i wish i can freeze that smile of yours and keep it deep inside my pocket. it is only how the way you held my hand confused my heartbeats. it is only how i constantly wish i can go back into the days when you were with me and live those days all over again, again and again. it's only how you are always on my mind, for days and months and even years you are still there like the bud of the bud of the tree called life. it's only how the songs you played on those lovely mornings made me feel so bright and light and calm and sincere. it's only how you make me stubborn and stupid and silly and i can't seem to be bothered by being all that as long as you still like me for who i am. it's only how i kind of know that you will probably never love me back and i think i can feel you trying so hard not to surrender and i simply don't want to care. it is only how aquarius do not get over their first loves and you are totally mine in that sense. it is only how i have always been obsessed with fairytales and with you they all came alive to me. it is only how i can't remember the way my furnitures move but i remember most things related to you. it is only how i am a writer, a poetess, an art girl and a romantic one that it is probably not even about you, but me, and the you and me in it. it's only how you make me muse so endlessly and it is only how you seem to be completely unaware of that. it can't be love. it certainly can't. i think we are sort of special. aren't we.

if i won't be happy and pretty and carefree and successful when i turn 30

i will definitely be angry. because i am working my youth away now, working so hard, from day to night and from night to day and nothing is ever enough. things keep falling upon my shoulder. and i am the only one around here who is able to do something, although i am not that able either. at least i can always push myself a little bit further and harder just so i can make life easier for others.

i think it feels most strange when i know so well how lazy my bones were born to be, yet i have to be one of the most hardworking people i know, just so things can be kept in place and i can expect a good night of sleep (if i ever am lucky enough).

of course i whine. i can be a big whiner. a major one. in the most pathetic kind of way. because i am constantly overloaded. of course you won't know. you are not me. you have no idea.

and that's totally fine. what you see is what you get, a pretty happy girl who does not worry about much and who is never serious enough? so be it. i don't expect people to understand because my life is screwed up in the most ridiculous sense.

i think i enjoy this high speed of typing as it feels like i am really spilling something out. when indeed i have to remain quiet and silent because now i am in such a whining mode i'd better keep my mouth shut.

OK now be positive again.

be a compassionate being.

keep it in mind that "life does not wait".

dear god please give me the courage
and good luck, too. :(

i am definitely over my head.

i have it all planned out.

i told someone that when i turn 30 i will be happy, carefree and successful. and he found that arrogant. he said i should not say "i will", instead i should just say "i wish to."

oh but making a wish is never as strong as asserting your own will. making a wish is like an active-passive kind of behaviour. afterall it is more like waiting for things to happen than making things happen. (although i do too, make a lot of wishes whenever chances come up.)

and then he said no one knew what the future would hold.

i think the future is just a lot of "now(s)". it will hold a lot of now(s). and now is now. i believe in karma. what you do now decides what you will be. you may not know everything. you will find yourself at times helpless, useless and powerless. but you will always know you have done the best you can. and i will always be a willful being.

in terms of what i have achieved with what i can have, i consider myself a happy, carefree and successful girl, even now, at this particular moment in time. it is merely a state of mind.

it is ok if life fails you. sometimes the world fails you, too. it is kind of destined for us to be failed from time to time. we can only make sure we don't fail ourselves. (well although if we do fail ourselves a little, we can still try our best to get over it and start over.)

i do have it all planned out. it is indeed as simple as words can explain. but some people never understand. sometimes i wonder if it is my own fault. maybe i do love to complicate things just so i can break them down into simplicity again with my own terms and conditions which the world may find chaotic.

hongkong is such a small city, you can go to most places here within 2 hours at most. but here you also find the greatest distance between one mind and another.

so i figured you can't really count everything on physical distance all that much. it can really take a thousand miles or more, to find that one person who makes you feel a certain level of intimacy.

it is indeed hard enough to find someone (a boy, in fact) with a mind open enough to not reject your own thoughts in your own head. i mean, you will be amazed, truly amazed, by how often people attempt to re-arrange what they find chaotic on your mind

when for god's sake chaos is just an order they can't recognize.

3 seconds of memory

my fish died yesterday night. and the sadness has really started to rush through me now. i think i have always been sort of slow in feeling things. maybe that's why i always only miss the water after it's gone.

i heard from milo that fish, they have only got 3 seconds of memory. so they are able to live many lives in one.

i can never imagine that. memories turn out to be too important in my life. i have been trying hard to remember things. people. places. my ideas or others'.

i bet we wouldn't really live that many different lives if we all possess just 3 seconds of memory. we would probably just live it all over again in the same ways, and again. and again. in the same ways.

just like how we usually fall in love with the same person, or the same versions of one person. because we want the good to be repeated. we laugh at the same old jokes, joke in the same old ways, and we laugh in the same old ways the same old jokes.

oh dear fish. it was sad not being able to greet you when i got home today. i am sorry that i never took good care of you. i enjoyed it though, the way you swam along the traces of my fingertip. i would have done it more often if i knew we were to part.

i am sorry for having said that you were ugly. i am sorry that i was so useless i only had the power to watch you die, helplessly.

i can't help feeling fragile and weak, knowing that i have not even the ability, to save just one little life.

how do you measure distance?

no matter how close you were, how much time we spent together, your mind never reached mine. our hearts hardly spoke to each other. our souls did not play their parts. never in a conversation could we see each other eye to eye.

it makes the longest distance.

there is a difference between need and love. i must have needed your love.

but i realise now that i am whole. i have already got all i need. everything i need is within me. i am not even afraid of being alone now. i have managed to love myself without having to have someone else to love me first. i am me again. you wanted me weak, but i love being strong.

it doesn't take another person to complete me. it shouldn't take me to complete you either.

the roars of destiny

today i took the time to google my name. according to wikipedia

Kismet may refer to:

• Fate or Destiny in Turkish and Urdu, a predetermined course of events, from Persian qesmat, from Arabic qisma, lot, from qasama, to divide, allot. Also used in Bulgarian and in some dialects of Serbo-Croatian as luck.

The first recorded use of the word in English was from Edward Backhouse Eastwick who used the word, spelled "kismat", in his 1849 novel, "Dry Leaves from Young Egypt".

then i realized how it must have been the roars of destiny that are constantly being unsettled in my blood. maybe that's why i am always disturbed by my own thoughts, the way they jump in out of nowhere, and the way all those images visualize themselves on the forefront of my mind without permission granted.

all my life i keep thinking that i have to do something. i only wish that i have the time.

but i sincerely thank my dad for having named me in the most meaningful way he could. i knew how he must have felt when i was born. :) i can love him forever for that particular moment of time. oh, i have already loved him through his forever. now i am going to continue to love him through mine.

sometimes i am still surprised by how often people can actually come to conclusions regarding what kind of a person you are before having known anything solid enough to make judgments about you. you know, "it's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. what a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. and more often then not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their souls."

i am not very comfortable with how people think i am too young or too inexperienced or too happy a person that i would not understand the dark sides of reality.

but maybe that proves how successful i am then, in beautifying things and romanticizing life so people do not see my reality as it actually is. i thank god for this amazing gift, it keeps people from their possible ability to imagine what i could already have experienced in this little life.

if i could i would just keep the light and lightness in my life, because it makes life easy. it keeps me happy and pretty - this invisibility of wounded memories and overwhelming weight upon my shoulders.

life could always be worse, and worse than you can ever imagine. that's why the touches of love and beauty and art and sugar and spice and all things nice happen to be so important. that's why i exaggerate over silly little things like loving a boy. that's why you don't really need to be so torn when you still have a choice. that's why you should really just be happy and pretty whenever you can, and embrace sadness to its guts whenever you need to. that's why you have to be open to feelings and let them circulate all over and deep inside you and enjoy the fact that you are actually able to feel a lot.

today i think about how scary it is when life because countable, i mean in the sense that you break down a lifetime into years and months and weeks and days and then hours. once i tried to count how many friday nights would there be in my life, and then i freaked out.

that ought to be one of those things i shouldn't spend too much time thinking about.