除毛粒

又到了冬天，一口氣把冬天衫找出來，可能因為我買的都是便宜貨，很多件都長滿了毛粒。但這個世界上有一個很偉大的發明──除毛粒機。當世人為自拍神器瘋狂的時候，我為這除毛粒機而著迷。

做寫手難，做藝術家的寫手更難。每天上班都是絞盡腦汁，想不出東西就交不出貨，交不出貨就即是沒做事，沒做事就即是白領糧，白領糧就是最沒尊嚴的一件事情。所以我暗地裡是感到很大壓力。無論我做幾多甚麼事情都好，只有一個個寫了出來又用了出去的字才是踏實的，其他都是過眼雲煙，不長存，也沒甚麼深度可言。

於是漸漸我很享受不用花太多功夫去思考的「世藝」，好像洗碗、除毛粒。手裡慢條斯理地做事，不斷重覆的動作帶我進入冥想，感覺像在修行一樣。

我喜歡這種平靜。

moment by moment

the older i grow i feel more sure about the uncertainties of life. as i age my body depreciates, my senses are not as sharp, i am less alert about changes.

my existence is too weak. it hardly matters. i feel as if i was trapped in endless cycles. it is like the music chair game, but the music goes on and on and everything is turning and everyone is looking...

quick days, fast pace

october was bad, november has gone, and december has arrived.
once again i am counting down the days. i will soon again be by his side.

my desire to write has not stopped, but i have been writing less and less.
lately i have been confused, and a little upset.
i am struggling between being true to myself and being kind.
i can just stay kind and sweet. it is easier for people to like me when i am sweet.

sometimes i am amazed by how people can get through everything so easily and effortlessly.
and i wonder why i have to work so hard.
lazy people survive still.
they make up all kinds of excuses to get themselves by.

but how i do my work also means how i spend my life.
i have to take good care of every minute.
and how they spend their life is their own business.
what i have to make sure of, is that i cannot let them waste my time.

The Reader

i feel so bad for Michael. it happened when he was too young and he was doomed to love just one person for the rest of his life. he would miss her forever, whoever he ended up with. memories of her would never really let him go.

how much do you need to know a person before loving him/her?

Michael loved Hanna, he didn't know about her past, but he loved her.

***

october has been a bad month for me. my heart has been injured many times. i have been teaching it to be strong. sometimes it's just not about me, what i do or do not do. and i can't make a person love me. it is all written in my destiny.

i know that, and i know for sure that, once people have found what they absolutely love, or what they feel worthy to fight for, they will find their ways to keep it.

so if it doesn't work out it is only going to be for one reason.

life is like a unicorn

skipping through the gap between two hills. it is about one moment long, a very short while. it is done in a heartbeat.

i have been trying to slow time down, being well-aware of its pace and its passage.

some people live with empathy, some with apathy.

it just takes a little thing to see.

all of a sudden i feel enlightened. i know at last. it has been a trap. the very important thing to do now is to make my heart very, very strong. i will need that power in the future. 

i may not be the smartest person in town, but i am not stupid. some things are easy to tell. the past few years haven't all been a waste though. i am sure that i have grown a little, if not a lot. i am sure that it has been a nice journey. it is the process that matters. it is just a little sad to find out that my efforts didn't change a thing. how it was then remains how it is now. people don't really change. 

i have to protect myself as there are people that i need to protect.

the philosophical way of life

when you lead a philosophical way of life, you live with constant wonders on life and death. i envy those who can simply dismiss the subject as something in the future. future means something that never comes. it is nothing to be cared for now. "when you are dead, you are dead. there is nothing."

i wonder why i am holding on if there is not a piece of me in that so-called future. if my presence or absence in the future does not mean a thing to the here-and-now. what am i trying so hard for?

it takes some determination to build your future into your present.
the future does not just happen, if you don't work on it, it will pass you by without you knowing it.