boys and politics

we can't live with them, can't live without them. - which is a twist of a quote from dr. elbert, which reminds miss cherry of a quote she found on a sunday back in april, almost a year ago, saying:

"it’s funny how we always find ourselves wanting to run back to the ones we used to love, for some reason, thinking it would work out differently the second time."

and then somehow i heard this song on the music player sung by a german rockstar whom i thought i saw on the street of copenhagen, starting with:

"right from the moment i saw your face, it occurred to me that you were the love of my life."

sometimes i think life can only go on in the co-existence of contracdictions, that there will never be a solution for most of the difficult situations we encounter here or there, that the only way to deal with tough choices is to keep choosing, jingling and struggling and never come to a definite and ultimate conclusion.

but i don't want to choose anymore. i have made up my mind. i know what i want, i am only secretly wishing that what i want wants me enough, and what i do not want can stop wanting me.

anyways, tomorrow i will have the first meeting with my language exchange buddy. excited! :D no matter how things turn out i hope i can at least master his language, for deep in my heart i am a control freak and the mastery of a language appears to be the most symbolic form of possessiveness.

in the middle of the night, have you ever noticed how bold and beautiful a matisse can be?

it's 3am

and i can't sleep. because i fell asleep right after work and woke up an hour ago. i dreamt of europe again. i think these dreams will not go away in a very long time.

i should be writing articles on culture and travelling but all i can write about is myself, i must have been some kind of a self-obsessed little bitch. milo and i have come to the conclusion that we are only writing for reflection to take place. i keep reflecting every minute, every hour and everyday indeed, on questions like who i am, how i am and why i am the way i am etc. and to a certain extent it really has exhausted me.

but people keep telling me how happy i look these days, saying that my eyes sparkle and my smiles radiate. i honestly do think so. i am surprised by what i have done, i have walked out of a future i thought most hongkong girls would have wanted, away from the one who has got the blueprint of one perfect future all drawn out.

the rabbit thinks she should indulge herself in this happiness, at least until the dragon comes around to tell her again how impossible it is for them to be.

it is a night of klimt's sea serpent.

180 steps

i am still thrilled about the fact that one of my best friends have moved here to the same villa where i live in. i cannot believe how unbelievable it is! so i went to kayu's new home today and we chatted for hours. and then she came over to say hi to my mom. and she counted our distance, which is only 180 steps away from each other - simply amazing.

now i feel close to all of my girlfriends again. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D!

tomorrow we will go to work together. how nice! i hope i can wake up on time.

what is a sugar coma?

it is when one's blood sugar gets so low that it can cause him/her to slip into a coma or die. it is the name of one amazing song courtney love wrote after kurt cobain's death. it is what i felt like when people told me how i should start to grow up, forget romance and become realistic, draining the sugar out of my blood and leaving me in a mindless state so immobile.

i cannot do that. at least not now. not when i am in my 20s. it is the time when things have to blossom (or they never will.) i cannot wait. and that's why i am where i am now, having done all that i did.

it looks like i go around all day being pretty, dreamy and fluffy. but i actually work very hard to keep everything i have in place. sometimes i whine about this and that, not having enough time, not being able to meet my friends, not earning enough, being so tired all the time etc., until today i realise how i have already tried my best to balance life out. at least i am still writing, and i have not given up the things that i really want.

i heard that love is only for the lucky and the brave. you can't count on luck that much, but you can always be a little braver than you think you already are.

the days are actually turning bright. and i feel freedom again in my life. i keep smiling to myself everywhere i go. i can indulge myself in my kind of romance now.

nothing is so impossible anymore.

finally got to meet milo last night. we went to central and had some long talks there, as always. anyone would be disturbed by our conversation because it is always completely out of context and it has absolutely no consistency. we are always so eager to speak whatever that jumps in on our minds, maybe it's because we know how difficult it is to find another person just as ridiculous, understanding and inspiring.

we are each other's little window in this realistic life where everybody else lives in. i would love to thank god for all these wonderful people in my life. who is this little cherry to deserve all that much? but please make me a wonderful person, too!

i think it takes a monet to perfect this beautiful sunday.

i had too much fun.

tonight may and i went to ekin's concert. and it was definitely worth the money ($150! how cheap was that for 3 hours of enjoyment!) we wished we had spent more so we could sit closer to the stage. of course he was old-school, but his songs are all classic. and there is no one in this world who can sing these love songs in a way more sincere than he does.

and so we indulged ourselves in his songs and had one of the most wonderful nights ever.

after the concert we went to tsim sha tsui, sat at the park and talked. how i love being with my evil twin! always so much fun and understanding. we cannot stop smiling when we are together! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D!

and it actually felt good to be back at work again. i have missed my colleagues so much! i felt so energetic and recharged after the vacation. i think i basically hopped to work this morning. haha! and i will work as hard as i can until i get another vacation. :)

the rabbit feels like the happiest rabbit alive tonight, knowing that the dragon wants her just as much.

doha airport

quite often in my life i live in such a dreamy state that i have come to places without realising the steps i have taken. my first trip in europe still doesn't feel very realistic. (although i kept taking pictures to make it feel more real.) and was it me or was it really europe? the time passed in such a high-speed that suddenly i am here. alone in the airport again.

this shock is endless. all i did on the plane was to cry and sleep and cry more, and sleep more. people must have found me strange. how could you be so brokenhearted? for the first time in my life i have hurt someone so badly. and i did it all out of my selfishness. and the worst thing is even if i were given the chance to go back and do it again, i probably would do it anyway. so i guess the destructive part is i don't really regret what i did, though i feel extremely bad about it.

i am scared. i am scared of going back to a life i am not familiar with. i am scared of the damages i have done to his life and mine. when i was on holiday it all felt so far away. i have got used to always having someone by my side. but this time i am ending me up alone. and of course i totally deserve it.

and the stupid rabbit goes insane. because she realises that out of the entire universe, the dragon is the only one she wants. and probably the only one she will ever want. and possibly the only one she will never really have.

when darkness turns to night

it ends tonight.

so this is my last day in brussels. tomorrow i will be off to copenhagen again and take my flight back home. i can't believe how fast time has passed, and how dramatic life suddenly is.

or it has always been dramatic. dramatic things happen to dramatic people. i think it's just similar to one of those stories i have about falling asleep instead of buying the lottery ticket that would win. it's just me and my life in which anything seems to be possible (at least anything stupid).

i am going home to a life with lots of work and no boyfriend. i only beg myself not to dive into relationships again so i can take a break from all that have already happened. my "go with the flow" attitude is ending me up badly. i have hurt the one who would go through all the troubles to be with me. i don't think anyone will ever love me that much anymore, because i am totally undeserving. i am going to have to live with this guilt for a very long time. and at the same time i am desperately longing for something that may never happen. why am i so tragically stupid? but stupidity actually makes me happy. i haven't been so happy in a very long time that i forgot how happiness felt like. although at the same time i am extremely sad. i have been told long time ago that people living on these extreme emotions will die early.

maybe this story tells us that if you can't move on, then don't. don't go around falling in love simply because you can. i always thought that life was too short to wait around, and i always thought that the worst case would be me getting my heart broken again (and that would be no big deal because even sadness was beautiful), because i never thought someone would take me so seriously. i thought i would always be the one left behind because i am a girl and boys will be boys.

i am sorry. i should have known how i felt. i over-estimated my ability in letting go. and then i really thought i was only in love with memories, and that i would be able to live a realistic life like everyone else, planning ahead about getting married and having kids and settling down with the perfect husband and an ordinary life.

but i am a hopeless romantic and i will always be one. and i miss the butterflies in my stomach. i thought they were dead but they came alive when i least expected them to.

tomorrow i will need to get up at 4 something in the morning for the flight. and then i will have approximately 5 hours in copenhagen. i don't know what i should do there indeed. today we went to Gent, and there were lots of beautiful old buildings. it would be nice if it were summer already, then the sun would be a lot brighter and the days would be less grey. it is the eat, pray, love kind of journey that i had. i went to quite a lot of churches, and then in brussels it's all about eating, and of course it's afterall about love even though i seem to be the only one in it.

i will miss angela and ravi very much. they have been so nice and caring. i hope i won't be crying like a baby again when i depart in the morning. goodnight.