quick days, fast pace

october was bad, november has gone, and december has arrived.
once again i am counting down the days. i will soon again be by his side.

my desire to write has not stopped, but i have been writing less and less.
lately i have been confused, and a little upset.
i am struggling between being true to myself and being kind.
i can just stay kind and sweet. it is easier for people to like me when i am sweet.

sometimes i am amazed by how people can get through everything so easily and effortlessly.
and i wonder why i have to work so hard.
lazy people survive still.
they make up all kinds of excuses to get themselves by.

but how i do my work also means how i spend my life.
i have to take good care of every minute.
and how they spend their life is their own business.
what i have to make sure of, is that i cannot let them waste my time.

The Reader

i feel so bad for Michael. it happened when he was too young and he was doomed to love just one person for the rest of his life. he would miss her forever, whoever he ended up with. memories of her would never really let him go.

how much do you need to know a person before loving him/her?

Michael loved Hanna, he didn't know about her past, but he loved her.

***

october has been a bad month for me. my heart has been injured many times. i have been teaching it to be strong. sometimes it's just not about me, what i do or do not do. and i can't make a person love me. it is all written in my destiny.

i know that, and i know for sure that, once people have found what they absolutely love, or what they feel worthy to fight for, they will find their ways to keep it.

so if it doesn't work out it is only going to be for one reason.

life is like a unicorn

skipping through the gap between two hills. it is about one moment long, a very short while. it is done in a heartbeat.

i have been trying to slow time down, being well-aware of its pace and its passage.

some people live with empathy, some with apathy.

it just takes a little thing to see.

all of a sudden i feel enlightened. i know at last. it has been a trap. the very important thing to do now is to make my heart very, very strong. i will need that power in the future. 

i may not be the smartest person in town, but i am not stupid. some things are easy to tell. the past few years haven't all been a waste though. i am sure that i have grown a little, if not a lot. i am sure that it has been a nice journey. it is the process that matters. it is just a little sad to find out that my efforts didn't change a thing. how it was then remains how it is now. people don't really change. 

i have to protect myself as there are people that i need to protect.

the philosophical way of life

when you lead a philosophical way of life, you live with constant wonders on life and death. i envy those who can simply dismiss the subject as something in the future. future means something that never comes. it is nothing to be cared for now. "when you are dead, you are dead. there is nothing."

i wonder why i am holding on if there is not a piece of me in that so-called future. if my presence or absence in the future does not mean a thing to the here-and-now. what am i trying so hard for?

it takes some determination to build your future into your present.
the future does not just happen, if you don't work on it, it will pass you by without you knowing it.

dark hollow days

i feel like i am living my days in some dark hollows, skipping from one to another, there has been very little light of what is happening, what i am going to do, or what i am supposed to be doing. there has been very little clue and no comfort.

i cannot decide for myself which approach to take. i have very little control of what is happening, and i am really tired. maybe very little of it is about me. maybe i play a very little role in all these. and maybe it matters very little with or without me.

maybe this is how you play the outsider role, by forever standing at the door. sometimes you are in, sometimes you are out. it is strictly by invitation.

i don't want to play this game anymore. 

here is to the last days of a sweet, sweet summer

i never managed to be in good skin, or in good shape.
it came and it ended, in movements unexpectedly fast.

may i be prettier, sweeter, smarter, everything better
the next time we meet.