when he is not around...

i don't remember how it was like when he was not around.
how did i survive last year,
and the year before?
i have no idea now.

i read books, tried to learn a new language, played the piano,
played guitar with my little sister,
i wrote a lot, i even started drawing...

i hanged out with my friends.
i worked like insane.

oh. but now all my motivation for anything else has disappeared.
maybe it's because of my sick stomach,
maybe it's because it's only the first week.

maybe it's because i am having my period,
which is usually incredibly depressing.

but maybe the truth is
the 6 months without time difference
and the day to day conversation
have made him my best friend.
the time we spent together, happy, sad or sick,
the trust and safety,
have made him my family.

he is more than a lover now.
"boyfriend" seems too shallow a word.

i feel like i have lived a life i never lived.
very uncanny it is.

最後兩三天

多得南丫島的車仔麵，
我的甜蜜假期得在持續十多次的嘔吐中作結。
沒法把親愛的送往機場，
我傷心得不能自己。
吃少一餐不會死，
為何事情偏偏這樣發生了。
現在我吃少了很多餐。

不過這樣才知道怎樣去愛一個人，
是在她病得一塌糊塗的時候，
對她不離不棄。
在她吐得一地都是的時候，
提著她的長髮，
呵呵她的肩膀，為她清理，
之後還要照顧她的吃喝。

兩個星期的日子，
我沒法每天都漂亮。
我們也沒法每天都完全快樂。
從前每個假期
都是盡地一鋪的假期。
兩年前的不計了。
重新開始後的
五天、八天、五天、三天、三天......
每次都是最漂亮的、
最浪漫的、最動人的。
因為時光那麼短。
這次我們活得像一對腳踏實地的情侶。

終於，雙人床又成了單人床，
幾個鐘頭之後，
他又身處世界的另一邊了。

不久之前，他明明還在這裡。

這半年就這樣過去了，
時間過得很快也很慢，
日子很短也很長。

要再見面，不知道要等多久。
就讓我們一直相思下去。

明天就要病好了，
然後開始全情投入，努力工作。

you cannot control what other people think of you, you can at most minimize your existence to a mysterious point.

i love my job. i love everything i have worked my best for. just that it exhausts me and leaves me no life. if i continue there will not be much of me left. my job to me is like rodin to camile claude and i certainly do not want to end up the way she did.

i have lived a long life combined of extreme good and extreme bad. i do not know how to explain to people why i am how i am now, or why i react to certain things in certain ways. i would spill my heart out if someone would listen.

that is why i keep a blog, maybe this is stupid. but i have things deep-rooted in my heart that i have always wished i can let out. i am the kind of person that when matters of the heart are touched my throat tightens and turns sore. thus most of the time when i am serious, i cannot speak without crying, or i cannot speak at all.

i mind not being the poor working girl because i understand that poverty has nothing to do with dignity. and then i thank god for this talent i get for free. for sure i am not the best in the field, or any field, yet at least i am not bad either, and i am trying still.

life is a choice. i could have turned a blind eye to those i have never met. i might have been able to lead a carefree life now if i have chosen to treat myself better. but then an old lady and her grandchildren would stave and stray. the children would be deprived of their rights to education simply because the world was not fair to begin with. and then there would be no hopes for them in life thereafter. or maybe it is indeed because i knew i somehow would torture myself with guilt if i decided to let them be. many things that i did, people described as a waste of efforts. but nothing that i gave was truly wasted.

maybe i knew how it felt because i knew what it was like when school was about to start and we were smothered by scary numbers about books and fees, living on the edge of going homeless, or circumstances alike. when something bad happened to you, you wouldn't have the heart to see the same happened to others. life to me has been a rather long roller-coaster. some days it was too good, and some days it was hell.

it all goes back to all the little things in a person's life that contribute to the person as how he/she is today. if love is shallow then you would not have been born. every little choice you make in your present time marks a turn in your future. maybe i am dramatic, i certainly worry too much sometimes, for things that may or may not happen to those i love. but maybe if you have encountered a sudden death in your life, or the loss of someone you value more than your own life, you can somehow have a better understanding of why some people are the way they are.

the easiest way to live is to live without the expectation of being understood. your life is your own to be responsible for, and thy self is your own to know and love. if you can, love others, too. and then for many other things, there is really not much you can do. you cannot control what other people think of you, you can at most minimize your existence to a mysterious point. build walls, and let no one sees you. but we somehow always wish we can somehow be found somewhere, by at least one person, no matter how secretive our hiding places are made to be.

just some random thoughts. haven't written anything for myself for quite a long while.

此刻的我非常厭世

我無法再忍受這個爭名逐利的社會，
幾多的仁義道德
已淪為粉飾表面的手段。
如果有良心，又怎麼忍心
以草根作為踏腳石。
任你扶搖直上九萬里？
你的驕傲只是小圈子裡的圍威喂。

一將攻城萬骨枯，
都叫是為了國家存亡。
殿堂裡的指揮家，
面對枯城，指手劃腳，
造詣再高又怎樣，
如果藝術貴乎真善美，
不真也不善，何來美？

8th july, 2008

4 years ago today we saw dad off in the hospital, and came back home i felt my self emptied. i remember holding mom to sleep, mourning dad with tears, reciting stories of our past. that was the end to a life we lived. sometimes when i think about it, the pain is still here.

斷線

今天我們相識以來
第一次傾電話。
平時視像會面不算。
我們其實都有電話恐懼症，
電話聽得久會耳仔痛，
這麼多年都是短訊傳情。
(其實都不是很多年，
但原來都三年多了。)

可是傾不夠兩分鐘就會斷線，
於是來來回回打了廿多次電話，
只為延續那久違了的聲音和對話。

我的靈感來自我的情，
(可能所有以文字藝術維生的人都是這樣─
都只能這樣。)
我的情滋養我的人生，
因為我天生特別喜歡愛人，
認識的人、不認識的人，
我總是差隻腳埋去，
再一頭裁進去。

但我的生命裡，
沒有甚麼比人更重要。
我會很虔誠地守候我珍愛的，
但時來的時候要珍惜。

有些事情你試一次就夠，
有些痛夠你受一輩子。

你試過一天回到家裡，
發現本來會等你的人，
原來已經等不了嗎？
話都說不了，反應都給不了。
你試過看著你的摯親
在病床上生不如死嗎？
其實已經盡了所能，
日夜都陪在身邊了，
但是如果可以活多一次，
我還是會給他更多的時間。

沒甚麼的，只因為值得，
賺少一分錢又怎麼樣。
到了某個最關鍵的關節眼，
你真的只想傾家盪產去買回一分鐘，
但你知道你就算傾家盪產都買不回那分鐘。

如果你問我，
我的人生經驗太多了，
而決定我價值觀的事情，
早早就發生了。

midnight honey mask

two spoons of honey,
one spoon of sugar,
and a few drop of lemon juice.
mix all together,
and scrub your face with it,
let it stay there,
until you are tired enough to sleep.

if it goes onto your lips, just lick it.
it is totally delicious.

wash it off before bedtime, and there
an awesome feel on your skin. :)



p.s. honey & sugar heal scars and cure pimples,
while lemon brightens your skin.