i lie awake at night

for you. and i pray

we cross the deepest oceans,

cargo across the sea and

if you don't believe me, 

just put your hands on me.

i know my heart and it will never change. 

i am not good at remembering things, maybe that's because i rely heavily on writing for things to be remembered. days that i haven't written about feel like days that have never been lived.

these days i write day and night, when i am not writing, i think about writing still.

my boss has approved today all names i gave to the art pieces, and i am very glad. :D

i feel that i am improving each day. i don't know for how long i can stay here, but so far i am trying to make the most out of it, taking every work day as a day to learn new things and fine-tune myself.

i love literature. i think it is the coolest things in the universe. i just hope that more people will get to see the beauty of this heritage of humanity.

瓜與葛

瓜、葛都是蔓生植物，其藤攀隨在別的物體上。

《傻痴痴》的歌詞
有句「我每晚都跟你夢中輕私語」，
看到想起《長恨歌》的「夜半無人私語時」，
中間有套港產靈異片
叫《夜半無人屍語時》。

謝霆鋒有首《玉蝴蝶》
中學的時候，有個同學是hide的fans，
當時氣沖沖告訴我，
謝霆峰學hide玩蝴蝶。
《玉蝴蝶》是中國著名詞牌，
我懷疑是林夕讀得書多，不關hide事，
但原來是謝霆鋒偶爾
看到一種叫「玉蝴蝶」的花。

50年代有《仙樂飄飄處處聞》(The Sound of Music)，
《紫釵記》裡的一句
是「處處仙音飄飄送」。

一個遊園，一個驚夢，
從湯顯祖《牡丹亭》，
到白仙勇，到郭富城。

「雙飛翼」可以是李商隱的《無題》，
也可能只是雞翼，
雞翼都可能「心有靈犀一點通」，
反正炸到金黃都是彩鳳，
一碟兩隻就是「比翼雙飛」。

為何藕斷又絲連？
像一個小秘密，承受無數無知的嘲笑，
賺你一抹會心微笑。

sunday

3pm. sundays are often about sleep when hugo and his brother are not here. 

i spent a whole weekend looking through websites on jewelry writing and copywriting, this job is actually quite cool. only in the creative industry can your random thoughts be put into use and earn you money. i love that idea, saw it from mike catherall's blog. he came to hong kong in 2007 to look for a permanent copywriting job, and ended up in Ogilvy, which is yet another amazing story. what is more fascinating is that after he spent a year in Ogilvy, he went back to Canada to spend a year on writing a book, he ended up publishing his first children book within the timeline he set for himself.

and then i look at myself. i thought i always sort of followed an invisible path, i never knew where i would end up, but the feeling was there to lead me through bricks and blocks. since i was 10 i dreamt of being a writer, and now i am one, at least it is printed on my business card, and i get paid for it every month. the great thing is that it is also about art, a passion that occurred to me when i had the first lecture of fine arts. i simply thought that art was great like a handsome boy, you looked at his bright smile and you felt immediately happy. it was a pleasure on its own. 

i am a jewelry writer, and i work for a jewelry master. it satisfies my passionate being and my big ego.

i have an opinion regarding what my friend's lawyer friend said about the communication of a long distance couple being limited to "updating" each other. if you only "update" each other, it is only because you are not creative enough. instead of "updating", i call that "sharing", and sometimes "surprising". it is difficult being apart, i crave him like hell. but in a way i also think that if you cannot survive the distance, you cannot survive many things that come with life later when you both grow older -- things that are larger than our physical presence, and those things take tougher hearts and a stronger connection to deal with.

in a way it is also about independence, being my own woman, cultivating my spiritual and physical self. 

i hope that he likes what is in the mail. :)

august

the writing month.

there are certain things i know in life.
one of those things is that, when life is bad, write it better.
everything will be well again if you just write on.

but maybe that applies only to those who write.

困獸鬥

我常常都在家裡，放工回家，放假都在家。
沒有甚麼地方特別想去，
想去的地方都太遙遠了，甚至不存在。
最喜歡一家人坐著聊天、開玩笑，
最享受三五知己圍坐喝咖啡、談生活、說理想。

在家的時候，就寫。
寫著寫著，人也高興起來，心亦舒坦了。
天份只有這個，總算能靠這少少的天份，
加上很大的努力，賺兩餐吃。
理想本來就很貴。

捱下去會怎樣呢？
我也無法想像。
都走到這裡，想必也是命中注定。
努力眼前就是了。

scared

what scares me is that i don't remember anymore how i lived some of the days i lived. when i look back i recollect only some parts and bits, and no more.

兩情若是久長時，又豈在朝朝暮暮

因為，你知道，
金風玉露一相逢，
便勝卻人間無數。

與現代人談戀愛，
永遠都談不通。
可能我的思想很古板。

分別或者是，
有些人為了拍拖而愛人，
有些人為了愛人而拍拖，
甚或為了愛人而愛人，
拖都不用拍。

花上一年去靜靜守待，
終於等到的三個字，
就是所謂的苦心經營。

我不知道我們可以走多久。
但反正愛是命中注定，
就只能愛這一個人了。

北方有佳人，絕世而獨立。

生命的奇蹟，從相信開始。

午夜驚魂

夜裡變得很警醒，電話一震就睜開眼。無他，為了時差，為了想念一個人，為了想他想自己。

其實都一起這麽久了，一直相愛的話都說好了，但我還是戒不掉初戀的忐忑。

明明知道怎樣佔上風，還是心甘情願讓自己佔了下風。

請明瞭 我心痴
能日後地老天荒因為儍開始
我每晚都跟你夢中輕私語
言無盡將不會停止 :)

蒙古來的菩薩

他把在蒙古得來的菩薩給了我。
也許是因為我像水上人一樣，
一直活在風浪當中。

這樣的祝福，來自一個
我從未去過的地方，
這樣輾轉的，想當然是緣份。

多謝菩薩。

滿地都是連理枝

枝枝都是同心結。

我就陪您一直飛。

若比翼鳥當息，就雙棲一棵樹，化枝偕連理，落地同生根。

being needed

every woman shares this same instinct and makes this same mistake of needing to be needed. the strong will of a woman's existence comes from being needed by people, parents, siblings, lover, friends, colleagues and children, it makes her feel her existence meaningful. she doesn't mind and won't be scared -- it actually makes her brave -- when she is needed. she feels like she can do anything, as long as the things she does aren't just for herself. it makes her feel useless  when her existence becomes unnecessary to others. it is strange but it happens. sometimes she even wants more to be needed than be loved.

angels hear you

and they heal you. i believe in all the good things in the world, making wishes to caterpillars, rats, snakes and spiders, and wishing upon stars and moon. my mom always tells me to think only of the good, when situations are bad, think of the better. this is how she has got us through the toughest hours. no one can stop you from dreaming, and all the dreams that ever came true are always originated from some hopeful beings. expectations are not exactly healthy, but hopes are vital for survival. i think i had a lovely day today. a decent dose of sweetness and light.

no cure

there is no cure to this. at the end of each day, no matter how occupied i have made myself, the same longing invades my heart and steals my senses. i believe that it means something if you wake up and go to bed with the same desire everyday. it is about chasing after what is destined. it is the alchemist's calling. no matter where you go - you are free to go - but you always go back to where the treasure already is. there is only one thing almost as important as yourself and all the bloodrelated matters - the bud of the bud of the tree called life. beneath it all, the seed of that something that makes the world goes around.

love and in love.

i was told that if i loved a person, i should tell him, instead of updating my facebook status. oh. but when i love a person, i want to go on a rooftop and scream out loud. in cases that i can't do accordingly, for i live in a quiet village with neighbors who are early sleepers, i have this urge i don't know how to deal with. so i found some papers and wrote it over. 3 words, 8 letters. no use. i sigh and  sigh till my mom is annoyed. i want to envelope my heart and mail it over, if that helps. i am afraid most of my boss' upcoming art pieces will somehow all share the touches of my melancholy. if i have to tell him i will have to say it too many times. i think it's a wonderful thing that you are in love with the person you love, and that you are able to love the person you are in love with. i could hardly tell the difference, but now i can. the same person, all these years. there is a love spell once you cast you cannot repel, and the one that i have, was cast long before i knew it. i love you honey.

enough

here i have come to a point where i think i have whined enough. now i am going to start being my old self (one of my old selves), the version of me who was always sort of in a silly way grateful for the littlest joy in life, and the slightest kindness from people. i shall work very hard for my boss, and write as beautifully as i can for him. simply because i happen to appear in one of the most important years in his life, (and we have now come to the most important month of this year) i have to try my best to do this well, for this man has happened to put his trust in me. so bye bye office politics. bye bye power-and-control. i am ready to care as little as i can, and write on. my heart will be in my words. this is the month. fifty pieces of jewelry. here we go. my angel will give me grace.

when he is not around...

i don't remember how it was like when he was not around.
how did i survive last year,
and the year before?
i have no idea now.

i read books, tried to learn a new language, played the piano,
played guitar with my little sister,
i wrote a lot, i even started drawing...

i hanged out with my friends.
i worked like insane.

oh. but now all my motivation for anything else has disappeared.
maybe it's because of my sick stomach,
maybe it's because it's only the first week.

maybe it's because i am having my period,
which is usually incredibly depressing.

but maybe the truth is
the 6 months without time difference
and the day to day conversation
have made him my best friend.
the time we spent together, happy, sad or sick,
the trust and safety,
have made him my family.

he is more than a lover now.
"boyfriend" seems too shallow a word.

i feel like i have lived a life i never lived.
very uncanny it is.

最後兩三天

多得南丫島的車仔麵，
我的甜蜜假期得在持續十多次的嘔吐中作結。
沒法把親愛的送往機場，
我傷心得不能自己。
吃少一餐不會死，
為何事情偏偏這樣發生了。
現在我吃少了很多餐。

不過這樣才知道怎樣去愛一個人，
是在她病得一塌糊塗的時候，
對她不離不棄。
在她吐得一地都是的時候，
提著她的長髮，
呵呵她的肩膀，為她清理，
之後還要照顧她的吃喝。

兩個星期的日子，
我沒法每天都漂亮。
我們也沒法每天都完全快樂。
從前每個假期
都是盡地一鋪的假期。
兩年前的不計了。
重新開始後的
五天、八天、五天、三天、三天......
每次都是最漂亮的、
最浪漫的、最動人的。
因為時光那麼短。
這次我們活得像一對腳踏實地的情侶。

終於，雙人床又成了單人床，
幾個鐘頭之後，
他又身處世界的另一邊了。

不久之前，他明明還在這裡。

這半年就這樣過去了，
時間過得很快也很慢，
日子很短也很長。

要再見面，不知道要等多久。
就讓我們一直相思下去。

明天就要病好了，
然後開始全情投入，努力工作。