i have not always been like this.

in my teenage years i used to be mean, self-centered, arrogant and all about me. i was a bit heartless, cold and far from sweet. i walked around with a mind too set, i was determined in believing that if a person did a certain something he/she must be a particular kind of person, and that if a person did a certain something it would only be for one reason. i constructed for myself a world of black and white and thought i knew enough things to go around and judge.

i was spoiled and taking everyone and everything for granted most of the time, until one year my mom got sick and my whole world fell apart. it was on the edge of losing someone extremely special and important that i looked at myself for real for the first time and realised that i needed to change. and then i have worked all the way to how i am now. it's not like i am perfect. but i am fully aware of my flaws, i have kept the habit of reflection and i know how important it is to be constantly fighting my vices. i know that whatever we know, our knowledge is still too limited.

it is easy to be critical, and even easier to criticise. it is too, easy to make fun of people, calling them names and picking on them. one of the easiest ways to humiliate a person is to openly ignore him/her, to not respond at all to his/her questions or pretend that he/she does not exist. ahhh it is all too easy. if you thought those were all but teenage games, you were wrong. some people have never managed to get rid of that nosy noisy lofty teenager.

sometimes i can't help but be mean still. we are all a bit evil at times. no one is going to be perfect, but it is important that we know it when we are being mean. i cannot quite take it when people walk around thinking they are being good and doing good things while they are absolutely being bad and doing bad things to others.

"yeah, i am a freak. but you know what? someday, i might just grow out of that... but you, you will never stop being a jerk." - princess diaries

a little smile climbs its way onto my face

everytime i think of him.

at times i feel myself stupid,
or silly. but i am just a girl in love.
people do all kinds of things for love.
as for me, i sit and wish and wait.
i know him. he knows me.
i love us.

i love the way we are, i love how we happened
and the fact that we are still happening.

when i am happy i really can't write.
i can't wait to see him!

every boy misses a girl in midsummer.

i have liked a song titled "midnight sun" for a long time, but i never realised what it meant until today. in the northern europe the sun does not set until midnight, and there you get the midnight sun! i am amazed and i am looking forward to see that midnight sun!

so it was the midsummer festival in the northern europe approx. 2 days ago. i wonder why all those romantic thingys happen so far away! hongkong is boring! we don't have festivals that we can dance and sing to the bonfires. this is the one thing that i really want to do in a native american kind of way. i am growing my hair long and i will grow it all the way down to my rib, and then i will braid parts of it into a headband sort of way... etc. i suck at describing hairstyles.

well, i just realised that my hair is actually good for braiding now!

how boring is it to read a blog entry on hairdos? but a girl has to pay attention to that every once in a hour, this girl happens to have spent a long while walking around in uncombed hair. actually, my colleagues kept coming around to ask if i was ok like every other day, and one day i finally asked why they had to come ask me that question a little too often, and they said it was due to my messy hair.

yesterday i saw a big white bird being choked by some tree branches through the bus window, and no one was paying attention to it. so i jumped off the bus at the next stop and ran to it. it was like a 2-3 minutes run but when i arrived i saw that it was gone. actually it looked like nothing was happening and there was no trace to show that a big white bird had been struggling.

what a strange incident.

the working girl survival notes

i have been wanting to write this for a long time. i have been all sorts of small potato in the past 2 years and during this period of time i have gathered some skills.

1. be nice and polite, especially to the mean people. the meaner they are, the more nice and polite you should be. it freaks them out.
2. apologise for mistakes you make, your teammates make, or those your boss makes, you are all in it together anyways. don't play the blame game.
3. talk loud, firm and clear, don't go "ehhh... er... ummm..." all the time, it gives people space to force things on you or put words into your mouth.
4. make enough eye contacts with people, look them in the eye when you speak, so they don't overlook you easily.
5. try to look good. it's non-sense thinking people don't judge a book by its cover. a science textbook states itself clearly on its cover! give yourself a cover that fits the context, it makes more sense than expecting people to not judge you by your cover.
6. keep in mind that respect is a hard-earned thing.
7. try not to whine, if you have to whine, try not to whine out loud.
8. don't take the office worries home, don't let work overwhelm your life.
9. do more, talk less, but listen up, be as updated as your surroundings.
10. always proofread, even if it slows you down. do not over-trust MS office.
11. it is important to multi-task. make a to do list, list out everything you need to do, and do the small tasks first, rather than getting stuck in a time-consuming task.
12. *sigh* this one is difficult, but be punctual.

that's it for today! bet everyone is having a friday night out, while i have work tomorrow and can't stay up late. anyways! positive things happen to positive people! happy go lucky! i ain't going to worry.

i am in love with a song.

"Hey Princess, you're the only one"

popsicle is magical! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!

if i am not trapped in the office i would surly go singing and dancing to this song on my rooftop (or in my room.)

days are not particularly good or bad. i keep working on silly little things, like drawing without skills, and kissing an envelope. i am too absorbed in my own small world lately. but this is how life becomes meaningful. everyday i feel like i have lived.

few days ago i thought i was out of love again, but then i fell back in there. i am starting to think that we are sort of meant for each other. i don't know who would want a relationship like this, no seeing, no touching, no talking for days, sometimes it feels like it is nearly nothing. but then the magic is always there, and the magical thing is that it does not take much for the magic to work its way to us. i have to be very much in love with him to be in something like this, and i guess i am. my heart is flowery and i love eye candies, but he seems to be the only one who really holds my attention. i have been in a relationship in which i did not want to do anything, but this thing i am in makes me want to do everything. i think we ought to stick with things and people that make us lively.

i think this summer is going to be a beautiful one.

disappearing into sleep

today i am annoyed by the fact that my tax form was sent to the wrong address, and i found out that it happened last year as well, so i never knew i had to fill in a tax form, and i never did, and then i realised that i was fined for that, while i am quite sure that what i earned last year was basically nothing that required me to pay tax etc.

anyways, i wonder why i always have so many of these things to take care of. how many things does a girl have to handle? why does it seem that i have to handle all these ever since i have learnt how to write? i used to be proud, well, quite proud of myself tnat i could master the atm machine when i was 9, and that i knew how to issue a cheque when i was 10. i think i have been well-trained to be independent, that i was taught to figure out things on my own and be responsible at an age quite very young. but still, it is all too troublesome no matter how used to it i have grown to be. i am so desperately annoyed.

i think a flu must have been developing itself inside me, since i feel sleepy and heavy all the time...... :/

i don't have enough time for everything. life is too short and time is running out too fast. in 3 weeks i will be seeing him again. today we have a typhoon in hong kong, and its name is seahorse. i love its name.

my father moved through dooms of love

my father moved through dooms of love

through sames of am through haves of give,

singing each morning out of each night

my father moved through depths of height

this motionless forgetful where

turned at his glance to shining here;

that if(so timid air is firm)

under his eyes would stir and squirm

newly as from unburied which

floats the first who, his april touch

drove sleeping selves to swarm their fates

woke dreamers to their ghostly roots

and should some why completely weep

my father's fingers brought her sleep:

vainly no smallest voice might cry

for he could feel the mountains grow.

Lifting the valleys of the sea

my father moved through griefs of joy;

praising a forehead called the moon

singing desire into begin

joy was his song and joy so pure

a heart of star by him could steer

and pure so now and now so yes

the wrists of twilight would rejoice

keen as midsummer's keen beyond

conceiving mind of sun will stand,

so strictly (over utmost him

so hugely) stood my father's dream

his flesh was flesh his blood was blood:

no hungry man but wished him food;

no cripple wouldn't creep one mile

uphill to only see him smile.

Scorning the Pomp of must and shall

my father moved through dooms of feel;

his anger was as right as rain

his pity was as green as grain

septembering arms of year extend

yes humbly wealth to foe and friend

than he to foolish and to wise

offered immeasurable is

proudly and (by octobering flame

beckoned) as earth will downward climb,

so naked for immortal work

his shoulders marched against the dark

his sorrow was as true as bread:

no liar looked him in the head;

if every friend became his foe

he'd laugh and build a world with snow.

My father moved through theys of we,

singing each new leaf out of each tree

(and every child was sure that spring

danced when she heard my father sing)

then let men kill which cannot share,

let blood and flesh be mud and mire,

scheming imagine,passion willed,

freedom a drug that's bought and sold

giving to steal and cruel kind,

a heart to fear,to doubt a mind,

to differ a disease of same,

conform the pinnacle of am

though dull were all we taste as bright,

bitter all utterly things sweet,

maggoty minus and dumb death

all we inherit,all bequeath

and nothing quite so least as truth

- i say though hate were why men breathe -

because my Father lived his soul

love is the whole and more than all

- e.e. cummings

there were certain things my father did that made me hate his guts. but there were things that he did that made me decide to love him forever. this is just the thing about human beings, a good person do bad things at times, and a bad person can do good things sometimes. everything happens under circumstances and can be an outcome of certain consequences. a one-time goodness doesn't make a man saint, while a one-time bad behaviour doesn't make someone a horrible person.

it happens that people change. it happens that love changes people. i have lived my life to know that it happens. i will always keep in mind my own ignorance, that i know so little about every person out there, and the universe is mysterious, and there can be logic beyond our logic, and the only way to know one person is to fit me into the other person's skin and walk around in his/her shoes, that it is dangerous to generalize and not everything can be in black and white and crystal clear, and that in all cases there can be some exceptional cases. there are things i know about the few people i have lived and experienced things with, and what i know about them can still be the tips of an iceberg, we construct our own versions of truth and reality, and how a person is. people talk, because talk is cheap. people judge, because judging is easy. i believe that not everything similar happens due to one definite and absolute reason, two things that look alike on the surface can turn out to be completely different, and human beings have a thing about categorization, that's why we may simplify the most complex issues, resulting in narrowed-down minds, which further contribute to injustice. i am here to stick with my beliefs and make sure they are good and unbiased, and make sure that i am able enough to see the good in one person.

turning back to my father, at the end of the day we always love him more than we can hate him.

i will always love him for the things he taught me in life, that we are to have hopes at the worst of times, sharing is the key to joy, we are to be generous and help the helpless, the working people deserve more of our respect and cheerful greetings, we are not to disturb the ants as they will find their way, we shall not kill insects as we are those who invade their space, meat is bad for health, cold drinks can make me sneeze in the morning, save people and not money, be determined and i will succeed, no matter what the others would say we to him had been the best all the way, always tell the person who cooks for us (most of the time it is our mother though) that the food is nice, waste no food and be thankful, we are to care about fulfilling our hearts and souls, not our stomach... etc.

i know not how well i am doing though.

i will always be thankful for the last year he lived, or the years that he lived to be my father. we have only got one father in life and mine was mine, my tree of life.