random thoughts are never random

as usual i dream of a million possibilities when i work through my days. nothing much has occurred except for the words i made happen and the thoughts on my mind. i have been dwelling on my own needs. what do i need? and what do i want indeed? the puzzle has not been solved and i am cautious. 3 years to 30. it is important not to mess life up at this stage.

i have to stop not writing. i have to stop not being carried away. i have to stop not unleashing my feelings. i have to stop trying to be in control and sensible. none of these is helping. days have become ordinary and me plain. my boss said that people who wrote well must have a good heart. i don't know how true that is, but i must take it from there and begin my own chapter. i have to cultivate myself the way i have cultivated my soul in the past 20+ years. i am running out of me.

the strength of emotional reaction

there was a time when i argued with everyone a lot and my teachers told me that i could become a lawyer one day. and then i read to kill a mockingbird and i thought if i ever became a lawyer i would be like Atticus. and it became one of my childhood dreams being a lawyer.

my dad said he didn't doubt my ability to make it, but he knew i would then be forever miserable. he said i was too sensitive a person that i would just cry over every case. i would never be able to fight the heaviness on my heart and the idea of injustice would torture me day and night.

sometimes i think i am too sensitive even to exist.

as my tears stopped came the raindrops

i was at the airport this morning. he was here, and he was gone. 10 days feel like a sudden lapse of time. i am grateful for the 10 days of great weather, joy and sweetness.

work starts again tomorrow.

object of affection

these days i enjoy being the object of affection. there are sweet awakenings and honeyed wanderings. living like this helps me put all of my troubles behind. relaxation takes place and i am happy.

i don't mind the world. in my world i have my most precious people and their affection makes up the most compelling moments in my life. these will be all i will ever remember.

you don't have to wait until the very last minute to look back and realize what count the most. i think we all have the ability to identify what works for us and what does not.

as i grow older i stray away from people i used to know.

the longer i live

the more i realize that it is not necessary to be everybody's friend, or to spend time on catering people that i am not interested in knowing or being with. i am still nice to everybody, but i am more conscious about how i spend my time and who to spend my time with. i allow myself to be more critical, and sometimes even judgmental, as there is only so little time left everyday.

and the problem is that i sometimes really just need to be alone, to think and feel, read and write, dream and relax, as well as to be away from the outside world. there is too much gossip, and it's hard to disengage, but i really want to, because, i know, from the very bottom of my heart, i don't care about who does what and why, most of the time. these things don't last. and i am more into things that really matter, like the changing of seasons and the turning of stars, how to make life better, make dreams happen or be smarter, brighter etc.

it always feels like i am running out of time.

and the most precious thing lost is time.

i am not sure if my English is good enough to explain this. it has been on my mind all day - the many faces of justice that i have come to know. i don't think i like what i know. it happens to be the opposite of what i have always believed in. the old me would have said for sure that justice had only one face, and that there were certain meaningful ways to justify actions and thoughts, and it was easy to tell what was right and what was not.

but my world is no longer blessed with simplicity.

i watched all things happen in silence. i knew from the very beginning how it would go. i kept quiet. i tried my best to be an outsider. i kind of succeeded. first i observed how one human being took advantages of another, and then i became a witness of the consequences of a series of matters, the whole process involved certain power and control, constant backstabbing, tons of lies and marvelous performances.

to a certain extent it was like a game, pokers maybe. the cards changed according to time and thus according to luck. the matter of timing was really precise the whole time.

some months ago i cried for some french fries i could not have. it was stupid, maybe. but the french fries meant for me my dignity. what happened today isn't even about me. but i feel for it. with all kinds of feelings it hits me. no one is justly treated and nothing is truly justified. i honestly think that everybody loses, and the most precious thing lost is time, which equals life. although some might have found fun in it.

and now i understand humanity a little better.

the dog-bear

every morning when i walk downhill to the minibus stop i almost always run into a dog which looks like a polar bear. it is so fluffy, all white and insanely cute. in the past 13 years i have secretly (or openly) thought that sasa is the prettiest dog in the world. i still think she is. but then this dog-bear is so cute that i can't help but smile whenever i see it.

isn't it magical that there is something so lovely in life. it doesn't have to do anything. it amuses me simply by existing.

most of the people or things i love are like that. i just have to see them, and then i am happy.

i have been reading (or trying to read... there is so much that i want to read i don't know where to start, so i end up reading a bit here and a bit there, and that's, of course, not very effective.) 4-Hour Work Week. my desire to design my own life style is growing stronger each day. i don't want to work my life around my job. i want my job to fulfill my life style.

i have been observing myself at work.

what i like about my job: writing, editing, proofreading and translating.
what i don't like about my job: things that stop me from writing, editing, proofreading and translating.

i think that makes so much sense. at first i thought everyone of us had to compromise a bit so we could do what we like to do. but that is a silly thought.

if i can't spend enough time on the tasks i am hired for, there is something wrong.