being needed

every woman shares this same instinct and makes this same mistake of needing to be needed. the strong will of a woman's existence comes from being needed by people, parents, siblings, lover, friends, colleagues and children, it makes her feel her existence meaningful. she doesn't mind and won't be scared -- it actually makes her brave -- when she is needed. she feels like she can do anything, as long as the things she does aren't just for herself. it makes her feel useless  when her existence becomes unnecessary to others. it is strange but it happens. sometimes she even wants more to be needed than be loved.

angels hear you

and they heal you. i believe in all the good things in the world, making wishes to caterpillars, rats, snakes and spiders, and wishing upon stars and moon. my mom always tells me to think only of the good, when situations are bad, think of the better. this is how she has got us through the toughest hours. no one can stop you from dreaming, and all the dreams that ever came true are always originated from some hopeful beings. expectations are not exactly healthy, but hopes are vital for survival. i think i had a lovely day today. a decent dose of sweetness and light.

no cure

there is no cure to this. at the end of each day, no matter how occupied i have made myself, the same longing invades my heart and steals my senses. i believe that it means something if you wake up and go to bed with the same desire everyday. it is about chasing after what is destined. it is the alchemist's calling. no matter where you go - you are free to go - but you always go back to where the treasure already is. there is only one thing almost as important as yourself and all the bloodrelated matters - the bud of the bud of the tree called life. beneath it all, the seed of that something that makes the world goes around.

love and in love.

i was told that if i loved a person, i should tell him, instead of updating my facebook status. oh. but when i love a person, i want to go on a rooftop and scream out loud. in cases that i can't do accordingly, for i live in a quiet village with neighbors who are early sleepers, i have this urge i don't know how to deal with. so i found some papers and wrote it over. 3 words, 8 letters. no use. i sigh and  sigh till my mom is annoyed. i want to envelope my heart and mail it over, if that helps. i am afraid most of my boss' upcoming art pieces will somehow all share the touches of my melancholy. if i have to tell him i will have to say it too many times. i think it's a wonderful thing that you are in love with the person you love, and that you are able to love the person you are in love with. i could hardly tell the difference, but now i can. the same person, all these years. there is a love spell once you cast you cannot repel, and the one that i have, was cast long before i knew it. i love you honey.

enough

here i have come to a point where i think i have whined enough. now i am going to start being my old self (one of my old selves), the version of me who was always sort of in a silly way grateful for the littlest joy in life, and the slightest kindness from people. i shall work very hard for my boss, and write as beautifully as i can for him. simply because i happen to appear in one of the most important years in his life, (and we have now come to the most important month of this year) i have to try my best to do this well, for this man has happened to put his trust in me. so bye bye office politics. bye bye power-and-control. i am ready to care as little as i can, and write on. my heart will be in my words. this is the month. fifty pieces of jewelry. here we go. my angel will give me grace.

when he is not around...

i don't remember how it was like when he was not around.
how did i survive last year,
and the year before?
i have no idea now.

i read books, tried to learn a new language, played the piano,
played guitar with my little sister,
i wrote a lot, i even started drawing...

i hanged out with my friends.
i worked like insane.

oh. but now all my motivation for anything else has disappeared.
maybe it's because of my sick stomach,
maybe it's because it's only the first week.

maybe it's because i am having my period,
which is usually incredibly depressing.

but maybe the truth is
the 6 months without time difference
and the day to day conversation
have made him my best friend.
the time we spent together, happy, sad or sick,
the trust and safety,
have made him my family.

he is more than a lover now.
"boyfriend" seems too shallow a word.

i feel like i have lived a life i never lived.
very uncanny it is.

最後兩三天

多得南丫島的車仔麵，
我的甜蜜假期得在持續十多次的嘔吐中作結。
沒法把親愛的送往機場，
我傷心得不能自己。
吃少一餐不會死，
為何事情偏偏這樣發生了。
現在我吃少了很多餐。

不過這樣才知道怎樣去愛一個人，
是在她病得一塌糊塗的時候，
對她不離不棄。
在她吐得一地都是的時候，
提著她的長髮，
呵呵她的肩膀，為她清理，
之後還要照顧她的吃喝。

兩個星期的日子，
我沒法每天都漂亮。
我們也沒法每天都完全快樂。
從前每個假期
都是盡地一鋪的假期。
兩年前的不計了。
重新開始後的
五天、八天、五天、三天、三天......
每次都是最漂亮的、
最浪漫的、最動人的。
因為時光那麼短。
這次我們活得像一對腳踏實地的情侶。

終於，雙人床又成了單人床，
幾個鐘頭之後，
他又身處世界的另一邊了。

不久之前，他明明還在這裡。

這半年就這樣過去了，
時間過得很快也很慢，
日子很短也很長。

要再見面，不知道要等多久。
就讓我們一直相思下去。

明天就要病好了，
然後開始全情投入，努力工作。