in time i realize that

he loves me with his guts. to have gone through all the troubles to be with me,
and to do that willingly -

he must be the only one.

i am exhausted.

it's the overflow of sadness overwhelming my world right now. i feel like i can cry any minute. i wonder how i have fallen into the hollow of depression again.

my heart is weak. my eyebrows frown on their own. too much stress in between.

but i've got to trust better days' existence.

allow me to be very depressed tonight.

i got home before the storm arrived, but it has been going on ever since i have stepped inside.

i don't think i have what it takes to stay in love with anybody. i have too much upon me, and no one deserves a burden half as heavy.

one day i will be old, but i will still be grounded, restricted, tied up by invisible chains.

it feels like forever. the best of youth i ever had is smothered under chaotic numbers.

i wish for a way to break free, from troubles or potential ones.

what's worse than falling in love?

loving too much, i guess.

i think i may still lose it to time and distance.

will july matter?

i would have done a lot more than sitting here,
wishing, waiting, writing.

why does lunch break pass so fast?

i must be the worst girlfriend ever.

but i am unhappy. tarot said it isn't the time to be assertive yet
so i keep myself quiet.

i wish time will solve my problems.

it is may already, the weather is fine, i can feel summer in every breath i take.

i am just supposed to be happier.

i don't know

where i got the guts to walk out of the apartment that morning, i wonder if it was already on my mind - the thought that we would possibly never meet again, anytime after. i could be thinking that it was just temporary.

i would have hugged him longer if i knew we were to part so long.

am i allowed to go insane? i am over my head.

i hate myself

for things that i have done. we should never have begun.

i don't know how i've dragged myself all the way down here.
i hate the way my heart feels.

and even more, i hate that i am too powerless to control it.

i am so, so, so sorry.

oh what a night.

it was raining heavily, thunderstorms. after the last entry i went to sleep, with Jewel's songs on. i kept having weird dreams. at about 6am i opened my eyes.

he said he wished he were here with me.

i fell asleep to start a nightmare.

it has been a year.

and then i cried hopelessly. i am just wondering how pathetic i am, to feel so much for someone whose existence is so remote.

i hold on to this life i've found.

today i stepped back and took a look at my life. i should feel a bit happier now. my family, friends and boyfriend love me. i have a nice job, it's about art. i look fine. i am still writing, and my readers are still reading.

i am still breathing. so why do i feel so unhappy from time to time?

i want to ease the stress pressing against the heart of my eyebrows. i wonder if it's what that place in the middle of your eyebrows is called. but in chinese we know that's called "the heart of the eyebrows". and it sounds romantic enough to be taken for granted.

everyday i carry the thought that i want to do something with me, i carry it everywhere i go, i carry it on my mind. but at the end of the day i get home without having done anything.

i am a hopeless dreamer.

everyone who worked at my position before seems to have got nicer jobs now. i wonder if i will eventually become one of them. i want to at least taste everything in the art world.

i can't wait to figure out what my next step is, who i will meet, where i will be.

creative director sounds like a fairly good title, when will i be there? and how?

i am no longer hoping that a prince charming will come to rescue me.

i got my salary today :)

although 70% of it has already gone. but at least most bills are settled already.
may is considering our europe trip again, i wish i can go with her.
the evil twins will surly have an awesome adventure!

i have been thinking, and thinking, and thinking.
i have always wanted to be the girl who gets everything i want

but everything i want seems so little. for my whole life,
i have just been hoping that i can be able to keep what i have
or what i once had.

now tell me, how could someone be able to get something out of the blue once and again
and one day she just can't make the same trick work, not anymore?

maybe god only gives me what i need. nothing less, nothing more indeed.

last year today

i was the happiest girl in the universe, having the time of my life, being excited all the time.

today i am broke. no money. no time. i hate that the 1st of may has to be a public holiday. and i don't actually have a holiday on a public holiday. i am desperately waiting for my paycheck, although i know that once it has arrived it will run out just as soon for all the bills i will have to pay.

life surly is tough.

dreams last for so long even after you're gone.