people won't believe how long time it has taken for us to move, even though we are only moving within the same village. it's actually due to the lazy move we had 6 years ago. we simply put everything into boxes and placed all boxes in the balcony and let them be. so, when we finally gathered up enough courage to confront those boxes, we were met with insane beehives. YES. BEEHIVES. they were everywhere. on every box. luckily they weren't active.
the boxes indeed carried so much of my memories. i discovered my diaries written long time ago. letters i wrote to myself. letters and cards people wrote to me. i realized how hardworking i have been in the past 8 years -- so many payslips but the money is long gone.
i had this bad habit of keeping all the bills and tickets and eventually they had piled up so much to take up most of my room. now i am moving to a new place and a much smaller room i must not pile things up again.
today i am 29 years old. when i look back now it's still surprising to see how things happened so quickly in the past. my dad became a part of my memories, sasa, too. and dorothy. when i looked through my stuff i found all those postcards from her when she was travelling in europe.
my 20s is almost gone now. i need to be more aware of my here and now because that's the only thing that counts.
2016年2月28日 星期日
2016年1月12日 星期二
2015年12月11日 星期五
a part of me has given up.
maybe it's me. you know. maybe i am the reason why i am so awfully alone. maybe i am supposed to be like this. a part of me has given up on making efforts to build bridges. i don't want to connect anymore. i don't need the connection. let it be.
i just need to find a way to get out of this depression and move on with my life. it's about me and my life afterall. it doesn't concern anyone else besides my family. and my family is the reason why i need to be strong.
now that sasa is not here. i keep returning to the same corners where she used to sit or sleep or wander. of course, the apartment is so small. and she was everywhere. she would be next to my bed, near the table, in her room, by the stairs, in the bathroom, on the sofa, outside the kitchen... i miss her so much there is no way to explain this sadness. everytime i think of her it is like someone stabbing right into my heart.
she was always here. and now she is gone for good.
i tried to tell myself that life had to end somewhere anyways but it didn't help. maybe when we are dead we forget about everything and what we have or have not done doesn't matter anymore because we won't know or feel anything about this life anymore.
maybe.
i just need to find a way to get out of this depression and move on with my life. it's about me and my life afterall. it doesn't concern anyone else besides my family. and my family is the reason why i need to be strong.
now that sasa is not here. i keep returning to the same corners where she used to sit or sleep or wander. of course, the apartment is so small. and she was everywhere. she would be next to my bed, near the table, in her room, by the stairs, in the bathroom, on the sofa, outside the kitchen... i miss her so much there is no way to explain this sadness. everytime i think of her it is like someone stabbing right into my heart.
she was always here. and now she is gone for good.
i tried to tell myself that life had to end somewhere anyways but it didn't help. maybe when we are dead we forget about everything and what we have or have not done doesn't matter anymore because we won't know or feel anything about this life anymore.
maybe.
2015年11月30日 星期一
how i feel
i don't know how i feel exactly, but my feelings are vivid. surrounding me is an airy presence of emptiness and loneliness. i want to talk about it but i am tired of people not being able to understand. my world has narrowed itself down to my very own existence. for the first time i realize that i am kind of friendless.
my loss
it was my gain. and it is now my loss. the 15 years together have been a true blessing. the unconditional love, the precious company, and the total trust and loyalty.
my graceful sasa. our loving baby sister.
sunday was her funeral. she slept so sweetly in her casket. we took her ashes, rowed to the sea, and let her go.
run now, sasa, be free, enjoy.
you will always be a wonder to me. your grace i will keep, as a treasured part of my being.
i love you.
my graceful sasa. our loving baby sister.
sunday was her funeral. she slept so sweetly in her casket. we took her ashes, rowed to the sea, and let her go.
run now, sasa, be free, enjoy.
you will always be a wonder to me. your grace i will keep, as a treasured part of my being.
i love you.
2015年11月24日 星期二
12.2000-22.11.2015
my graceful sasa passed away. this heartache won't go away and I have no idea how to make life not empty again. she was the toughest and the coolest she fought it till the end. I love her so much I hope she will come see me in my dreams tonight. I am grateful for the 15 years together and I wish so much to hug her and see her again. I think a part of me is dying. The whole family misses her. Mom keeps forgetting that she is gone... It's too sad...
2015年7月19日 星期日
the melancholic poetess
the very sad truth is that, i am only inspired to write when i am sad. i had been extremely happy in the past few weeks, just like every single time before, as long as i am with him i am automatically filled up with joy. but then i couldn't write. i was too busy to live.
so, as usual, time flies. 21 days flashed by. we didn't do much. but that is exactly what i love about us. i love our natural, down to earth togetherness.
fatter det nu.
so, as usual, time flies. 21 days flashed by. we didn't do much. but that is exactly what i love about us. i love our natural, down to earth togetherness.
fatter det nu.
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