dark hollow days

i feel like i am living my days in some dark hollows, skipping from one to another, there has been very little light of what is happening, what i am going to do, or what i am supposed to be doing. there has been very little clue and no comfort.

i cannot decide for myself which approach to take. i have very little control of what is happening, and i am really tired. maybe very little of it is about me. maybe i play a very little role in all these. and maybe it matters very little with or without me.

maybe this is how you play the outsider role, by forever standing at the door. sometimes you are in, sometimes you are out. it is strictly by invitation.

i don't want to play this game anymore. 

here is to the last days of a sweet, sweet summer

i never managed to be in good skin, or in good shape.
it came and it ended, in movements unexpectedly fast.

may i be prettier, sweeter, smarter, everything better
the next time we meet.

i have got a full half hour

before midnight.

when i was 14 i felt that Lolita was strange and irrelevant. when i re-visited Lolita at 27, i understood something important -- obsess over no man. let no man obsess over you. i used to think obsession romantic. now i find that thought highly immature.

i have some more books to read, and more movies to watch before my darling is here. sometimes i kind of wish that i can keep him longer than time allows. i am not obsessed. i am just very much in love and a little bit addicted.

the side effects of getting sick

work undone, mind unclear and skin bad. now i just wish i can work fast, think smart and rebuild my system. it has never been really strong, but it doesn't have to be so weak either.

so here is my plan towards a healthy life:
1. more water/ green tea
2. more sleep
3. less stress
4. honey mask every night
5. more fruit & green, less dairy products and meat
6. less processed food

and after i am well i will start exercising.

and now, time to sleep!

the matter of understanding

you can never truly understand a person without understanding his/her past. by understanding what a person has gone through to become who and how he/she is now, you become understanding about many things regarding this person.

instead of saying I am born this way, I have taken a closer look at myself and realised how my experience has shaped me, despite the fact that I have been making constant efforts to fight the influence of many negative experiences in the past.

I guess the same happens to people around me. people are how they are because of a series of reasons I haven't experienced, sometimes it is easier to accept their behaviour instead of asking why and hoping for changes.

sometimes it is easier to focus on myself, be shortsighted and self-centered.

random thoughts are never random

as usual i dream of a million possibilities when i work through my days. nothing much has occurred except for the words i made happen and the thoughts on my mind. i have been dwelling on my own needs. what do i need? and what do i want indeed? the puzzle has not been solved and i am cautious. 3 years to 30. it is important not to mess life up at this stage.

i have to stop not writing. i have to stop not being carried away. i have to stop not unleashing my feelings. i have to stop trying to be in control and sensible. none of these is helping. days have become ordinary and me plain. my boss said that people who wrote well must have a good heart. i don't know how true that is, but i must take it from there and begin my own chapter. i have to cultivate myself the way i have cultivated my soul in the past 20+ years. i am running out of me.

the strength of emotional reaction

there was a time when i argued with everyone a lot and my teachers told me that i could become a lawyer one day. and then i read to kill a mockingbird and i thought if i ever became a lawyer i would be like Atticus. and it became one of my childhood dreams being a lawyer.

my dad said he didn't doubt my ability to make it, but he knew i would then be forever miserable. he said i was too sensitive a person that i would just cry over every case. i would never be able to fight the heaviness on my heart and the idea of injustice would torture me day and night.

sometimes i think i am too sensitive even to exist.