my idea

love is always remembering what makes you love the people you love at the very beginning. love is free of expectations, hopes and desires. love inspires and love creates. love is happy, and even when it is sad or broken it is beautiful. love makes you feel. love is putting the people you love before yourself. love brings smiles and good luck. love helps you understand your inner self. love is understanding. love is becoming a better person for those you love. love is giving. love is faith. love is kindness. love is sweet most of the time and sour sometimes. love is strength. love is love your best when you can, and let go when you must. love is falling in love with the same person too many times. love is a sign. love is water, it nurtures, nourishes and purifies.

monday

if you deserve something, you will have something. if something doesn't come to you, something isn't meant for you. if you have to ask, it's not yours.

you can't force things to happen, anything that you force to happen will become a seed of doubt in your heart and grows its roots all the way until everything falls apart.

it's strange that apart from the usual depression i spend a week on every month, my stomach is suddenly very into vomiting. it cannot take any pressure to the extent that i cannot even stand wearing a bra. yea, real charming walking around without a bra with boobs so ridiculously small.  

i know all the tricks to be lovely. i know that confidence is a charmer and if you don't have it you can fake it. i know that it's considered cool being able to walk away from anything. but i cannot be anything like that. i spend my days being quiet writing about things that interest me alone, and become so stupidly happy when someone tells me that they like what i write, or that they are a bit interested in the strange thoughts in my head. a little affection goes a long way. i believe that there are two kinds of people who succeed in the end, the kind that knows how to play smart, and the kind that focuses and works hard. i can't play smart. when your heart rules your mind you can't be too smart.

well, so i come here to write. after i die my children or grandchildren will have something to read about, if they care. if they are anything like me they must care a bit though. i love leaving traces of my life behind. but now i am very very far behind. i can see that i am behind many things. the last trick i know is that, if you don't focus too much on yourself, and if you minimize your own existence, it does not matter.

but you should not do that. unless you're a Buddhist. you can always choose to be a Buddhist though.

i think people blog because people have things that they want to share with someone but they don't know who to share things with so they share things on their blogs with their invisible audience.  if i were born with an artist's talent i would make art instead, or if i were a little more musical i would make music. there are some cooler ways to express oneself, and there are some ways that are uncool. but we all have our own ways.

happy mom, happy day :)

dear diary,

(does anyone still begin their diaries this way? nostalgic!) so today is mother's day and we brought mom to dinner and celebrated after with a cake.  mom has been so happy these days and she kept saying how happy she is to have us as her children.  i think she is too sweet and too easily amused and satisfied, comparing to what she has done for us and dad and many other people, what we have done for her are very little.  these little things i can afford to do will never add up to her sweetness.  when life brings me down it's her who keeps me up, and when i feel like the world has rejected me she is always here for me.  she is the only reason that keeps me on track and be a good and responsible person in the best way i can.  i am not so strong myself.  i am indeed very weak inside and out, mentally and physically, but i have her.  so when i am sad i still feel that i am blessed and try to be happy again.  and when i am sick i still struggle to get well so to make her worry less.  

so even though i just vomited all the food out, i can't feel too bad about it. :) my stomach has been stupid for two days already... i guess it's another symptom of pms.

(i think when i was little i also ended my diaries saying "i love you diary".  i don't love my diaries as much as i used to now, but i probably should.  afterall it swallows whatever good and bad things i write about.)

so here ends another weekend, i slept for 15 hours last night, without brushing my teeth nor removing my make-up. (sigh!)  after being out with my brother looking for sneakers in the afternoon i became terribly dizzy when i got home.  only half of the plans i planned to carry out this weekend have been realized. 

everyday is passing by so fast lately. too much to do, too little time.  in just two week's time i will be off to italy and germany.  i can't say i am excited since i am overly worried about getting lost.  it's okay to get lost alone, but not so good when you should be leading the way for your boss and colleagues...  but i hope i can enjoy the trip and see as much art as i can. :)

and tomorrow is all about writing like crazy again, i hope my stomach won't mess up my schedule.  i have many deadlines to meet... :/ 

and two things to keep in mind lately: firstly, love is not about what i say, but what i do. but it's as important knowing how to walk the walk, talk the talk, walk the talk and talk the walk. secondly, never treat someone as my option when they treat me as their priority. 

work hard, stay humble

lately i have been super overloaded with all kinds of d\writings, from product literature to letters and interviews... there are just too many, and writing is something you cannot force. so i am just squeezing my mind for producing words most of the time.

but i actually love that i am busy. the more i get to write the better. when i compare my writings now to my writings a year ago, i can see a huge difference already. so my conclusion is that you can't imagine how far you can actually reach unless you really push it. pushing works for me. 

however, my skin is not reacting good to all these... pimples appeared on the right side of my face -- many of them.  so tonight i picked up body shop's tea tree oil series again and hope it can cure them. :( 

but sleeping is the best medicine so i guess i should just sleep now. 

goodnight world. :)

 

me and my own small world

i read the same books too many times, watch the same movies too many times, go to the same restaurants too many times, wear the same shoes too many times, visit the same places too many times, speak to the same people too many times, and drink the same drinks too many times.  i repeat myself too many times. 

but that's just me.  i do the same things over and over again.  if i don't get tired i stick with them for life, and if i do i stop them altogether.  i believe that the only way to get rid of a habit/ an obsession is to indulge yourself with it intensively.  too much of anything can make a person sick, and to get well is to get sick first.

lately i am a bit confused about life, (i am always a bit confused.)  i am not sure what to think or feel, and how to behave.  when i feel more and more connected to my inner soul and life purposes, i feel that i am drifting farther and farther away from the outer world and other people.  the best communication i can offer is to be a listener and laugh along, or talk silly.

i am not interested in the things that interest most people, and most of the things that i find interesting interest me alone.  dreams are strange, too many strange places, strangers and strange animals.  this week i have been to a chinese temple in which people worship a horse, venice where the boats float uphill to a secret garden, and an indian village where there are quite a few elephants and a group of ostrich-like-chicken running wild, people there lived in tall triangular tents made of wheat.  last night it was alright, i only dreamt that i fell asleep at work and my boss woke me up and told me to resign because my low efficiency wasted all his money, and then i was at a cemetery with people i hardly knew.

another weekend is coming to its end. i have finally got myself two pairs of new shoes yesterday.   i hope they will last longer than usual. :/ everytime i go buy shoes i am a little ashamed of myself walking in the shops wearing my old and completely worn-out shoes.  but i can't help it.  shopping is annoying unless it happens in a love-at-first-sight kind of way, and when weekends arrive i am too lazy to go anywhere...

i am planning to buy mom big bunches of roses this week though, so i hope i can find a day to go to the flower market after work.

說穿了，

說到底，是我沒自信。可是我不知道自信要往那裡找。我覺得隨便找個甚麼人都比我好，我覺得我可以隨時隨地被取代，這樣地缺乏自信令我時常失心瘋。

近來的問題是，我持績很想與人談天，但我總沒法談到問題的關鍵。晚上常常醒來好幾次，同樣的惡夢不斷出現，掙扎著起不了身，是被鬼壓還是壓力大，我都搞不清楚。

上星期想狠下心關閉這裡，今天又回來了，始終有個地方寫下心裡的事，也沒有甚麼不好。理智告訴我，這不是抑鬱的時候，趁著還青春，趁著還可以，應該好好享受人生，做些喜歡做的事情，見些喜歡見的人，不要找些牽掛來糾纏自己。

但心是自由的，心是獨立的，心喜歡怎樣是腦管不了的，心要飛往那個方向是我愛莫能助的，所以一個我眼睜睜看著另一個我，裡裡外外在困獸鬥，剛剛逃出來了，轉個念又回到原點。

我最快樂的時候，竟然是我趕稿的時候，甚麼都忘了，一心一意，幹一件事，在風花裡執著於字與字。但當我發現我的快樂建立在身邊的人和事之上，我意識到我的處境很危險。

又過了一個周末，日子是飛快似地過去的，但我等的東西還未等到，是不是等就會到呢？我也不知道，可是等待是一顆植了根的種子，就這樣蔓生下去不休不止。

be brave enough.

sometimes i am afraid that if i put my whole heart and the best of my efforts into making something work, i will end up being an idiot.

but it takes a little courage to make things happen, and most of the time, it takes an idiot.