十個朝與暮

兩情若是久情時，又豈在朝朝暮暮。

兩個人千辛萬苦拼湊下來，在冬未完時春未至，勉強找到十個朝與暮。數著算著兩三天，快到了全身戀愛的時節。收拾了房間，染黑了頭髮，瘋狂地敷mask，修葺了濃眉。把連身裙找出來，一條一條燙得筆直。把伴在床邊的書捎起來，一本一本回歸書架。好好享受這漫長的倒數，到他來了，日子又將飛快得像風一樣。

兩個人的時候，我們習慣過兩個人的日子。因為時間太少，相處成為了必然的需要。

central station

for two mornings in the central mtr station there was an old lady. she came to me and asked, "hey little girl, could you give me two dollars for a ride home?" so for two mornings i gave her what she asked, and i saw her asking other people for the same thing. i didn't know if i was encouraging her to do so. but she was so happy just to get two dollars, it wasn't much, i would have bought her a breakfast, too, if that was what she wanted. but it was heartbreaking. one of my biggest nightmares, besides dirty bathrooms, is to see old people being hungry and homeless. i often remind myself to work hard so i can give a warm and comfortable life to my mom. i think it's sad that hong kong leaves old people wandering around helplessly, while our government is considerably rich.

i wonder if she will still be there tomorrow.

sleep paralyze

these days i have been haunted by sleep paralyze  chinese people say it's ghost-pressing-on-the-bed. it doesn't feel good anyway. sometimes i dream of some presence in my room, like a big pile of darkness. in the middle of the night i hear someone using my keyboard. it's either some spirit, the ghost of my dad or me going mental. 

i have learnt not to care or be scared, as long as i can still be sleeping sound and sweetly. but even sleeping fails me. i used to love sleeping so much, to the extent that every time i lay down on my bed i thought to myself how i was blessed to be able to go to bed comfortably after a day of hard work.

i checked wikipedia out and according to folklore of most cultures, from china to thailand, finland and south america, sleep paralyze is related to some spirit/ghost/a witch pressing against the sleeper's heart.

i am simply depressed. 

he loves me.

sometimes when i think about the first time i met him, it feels so surreal. how can two people come together and create so many stories? i never thought he would be my first and only, and now i think he will even be the end of me, the one man i will share my bed with for the rest of my life. at least this is what i am willing to work towards -- a happy ever-after with him.

i love that he loves me, because i love him so.

today

i feel like i have not lived for a long time. i have only been in love. i have only been working. i have only been spending time with my family. i have only been coughing a lot. these are all wonderful things to spend time on, but the little girl inside me wants more of books, movies, music and written words.

finally there is a weekend when work does not have to go home with me. to celebrate i went to the art museum spending 30 minutes on 15 minutes of eternity, thanks to andy warhol. i felt lovely being at the museum in my little black dress. i love how all his self-portraits made self-love a cool thing. i even thought he looked nice. he was hardly handsome, but i like his style.

i have been horribly forgetful lately, and all the things i forgot are driving me crazy.

歲月撫平了我的棱角

教曉我學會惜福，慢慢把日子的點滴溫柔種下來，花還會開，會成大器。

只怪我還是個心易傷的人，那麼易傷心，不過口難開。我只是靜靜的怔了怔，有點愕然，一下手撥手的動作，一下而已，到底是朋友，別放在心上。

老闆想要豪邁的文章，我還未寫得出來，歲月撫平了我的棱角，讓我學會了收歛，我是個淡淡然的人，字字是點滴，像水花，輕輕的交待生命，習練如風的優雅。人生裡的各種苦痛，再蝕骨也好，成了字就得漂亮，那字是承著芭蕾舞者的指尖，讓身心的重量點點的飛，一下，一下。

這兩天，感冒遇上無眠夜，塌下來的還有工作，才不過是26又兩三天，何以如此侷促？快樂的時候，往往忘了寫，現在總得記兩句，感激最親最愛的媽媽，把我捧到掌心裡去呵去護，感激可愛的家人，與我共富貴共艱難，感激北國的愛人，時刻把我烙在心上，身再遠心也是近的，還有位位玩伴摯友，為我慶生多年，謝謝友愛。

i wanted to say that it was the worst day ever.

but i know that it was not, because there had been worse days. worse days like when dad was drunk, like when dad was sick, like when dad died, like when i had to go on working two days without sleep, like when the family was on the edge of falling apart, like when i had no boy to love me, like when i had to work even harder and got paid little, like when i realized how my misery became someone's gossip. today was not so bad afterall. i just need to get some sleep and recover fast.