勿忘初衷

第一年的最後一天。

一年前為了甚麼走到這裡，
一年後就為了甚麼走下去。:)

就像活了一百歲，
以後的每一天都是創舉。

it is too big now,

and i am way too small. 

it is far beyond words. 

it becomes a treasure way too dear. 

a relationship i have always wanted. 

a boy i love to love.

what does ME want?

i have pondered on this for long, what does ME want? 

it turns out to be very simple: what i want is to keep what i have, because what i have is what i want. life may be a quest but my quest is long over, (i think.) i always sort of think that my life started earlier than others, (and i am not being dramatic.)

i have wanted to give my mom a good and comfortable life. (but she makes life good and comfortable for me.) make her happy. (but she is a happy person on her own.) make her proud. (but she is always proud of us no matter what.) i have tried my best to be giving but it's not possible when you are dealing with a person so giving. whatever you give, she gives twice as much or even more. so i just want to love her and treat her the best i can. (and be like her if i can.)

i have wanted to be a writer. so i am now, a writer for a jewelry master. an editor also. (and a translator.) i am happy with my job, so happy that i am often afraid of losing it. i am told that i worry too much. but i can't help myself. when i was little i used to freak myself out with my own thoughts (a lot.) i got so scared of all the horrible things that might happen, so i prayed very hard at night, being very precise and specific with my prayers regarding what i hoped would not happen.

i have wanted to be a loving woman to the man i love. maybe i am still a girl, and he a boy. (if 20 something is still young.) we don't have much time together. (but all the time we have together is all that matters.) i used to think that someone like me would never find love. (i thought one had to be perfect to be loved, or very brave, or very lucky.) so every bit of it is a bliss now. 

these are the big ones. 

and then there are the small ones:

i want to read a lot. play a song with my ukulele. learn a new language. practice my handwriting. make a cake sometimes. take some photos. play a little piano. and write a book.

because, because, because

all the time we had together,
lately or long ago
is simply beautiful.

when life gives you lemons, google them, too.

the joy of googling is that you can pretty much google everything, though sometimes the answers you find are not really answers you want or need, but at least, there is something. i often panic when i fail to google something, like a word that does not exist, or a story that i have heard, but it is not on the internet. i think i am kind of obsessed with google, eventually i will have to quit, but not just yet. it is so helpful, especially at work, and at many other earthly things. it kind of makes me smarter, and faster, as long as you are curious enough, it will give you some clues. 

today i googled "how to stop obsession", "how to cure depression" and "how to stop worrying." i am so pathetic. but finally i am able to laugh at myself. it is just one phrase, you have been through worse, and there is no way you can't deal with it now. to a certain extent it must be sort of mental, i wonder if i am the only one around loaded with worries about the many maybes ahead. 

have you ever felt that you are stuck in a life you don't know how to continue? you want to stay pretty and young but you know you will grow old and fade away. you want to establish love and relationship with people but you know they will die, and you will, too. you want to live but you know sometimes the most unexpected misery happens when you think you are enjoying life at its best. sometimes i lose all interest to move even because it seems quite pointless at one point. (but of course you have to move on. there must be some meaning in it all.)

i have this "suddenly i am there" trick, which is sometimes good, and sometimes bad. it's a great comfort when i am dreaming of something, or counting down to something good, or getting over miserable moments. i know surly that suddenly i will be at another moment, somewhere else, but, what is bad about it is, i may be 48-year-old already the next time i pay attention and check and write my way back.

maybe it's time to try learning a new language again. at least i am blessed in the sense that i am curious and always keen on the idea of learning something (usually things that i suck at or things that are not useful though.)

For the many farewells I bade

So I read a story about a mother and a daughter bidding each other farewell at the airport, wishing each other “enough”. My family tradition (which started by my father during the days when I was having my public exam) is a bit different, instead of wishing us enough, my parents wish us “good luck”. Well, indeed, I think it is common in Thailand, too, saying “chok dee ka/krap” everytime you say goodbye.

I have a very big family, but it also feels very small because most of our relatives are scattered around the world. Growing up, life has mostly been about my parents and siblings. The one place I often go to is the airport, bidding farewells to people I love, picking them up, bidding farewells again. In the first half of my lived life I always traveled with my family, these years I travel alone a lot. It is kind of romantic taking a big yellow suitcase to work in the morning and rushing to the airport in the evening, sometimes it feels like I am merely going from one side of Hong Kong to the other side (which I do everyday.)

Living this life now is like living my old life all over again. When I was little I listened to my parents speaking in their languages with people from their countries, trying to figure out what they were talking about. Thai and Teochew are easy to pick up, but Urdu and Punjabi are difficult. With long years of rehearsing, the idea of foreign languages is not so foreign, even when I am in a room filled with unknown sounds and syntax it is still somehow so much like childhood.

But farewells are something you don’t get used to, everytime I bid someone goodbye I deem it as the last time. I think wishing someone “good luck” is rather wise, because, afterall and first of all we are lucky to survive, secondly and last but not least, we are lucky to see those we love, and love those we see. You never know if the person you bid farewell to will still be there when you return, and you know not whether the love will still be there either. (The love from family is always there though. :) )

i have been trying hard not to fit in.

i will always be awkward. i will always be clumsy.
i will always be writing and reading and nerdy.
i will always have strange thoughts at wrong moments,
and be poetic in a city too fast to afford it,
and be romantic in a life too ordinary to be so,
and think too surly at an age too young,
and talk about life like i know it.

but as always, i will try my best and hopefully,
as always
i will somehow

make it.

you make a decision, and you stick with it.
i suck at making small decisions, it takes me ages.
but the big ones, i have had them made already.