i am ageing! :O

it has become really obvious this weekend that i am ageing. despite the fact that i still look, dress and act younger than 28, i noticed today when i looked into the mirror after shower that there are wrinkles on my stomach area!

oh dear.

i spent all my time working so hard and now when i finally have some holidays i am confronted by the fact that i am already old.

yes, i am whining. 

and so i hurried up to put on mosturizer and olive oil on the "affected area" and drink a glass of vitamin C. 

that's the result of being a low-maintenance person for 20 years. now i only hope that it is not too late for me to start maintaining myself. :'( 

there is no door to my grief

i have decided to write it here, as i know you always read my blogs, and you are a constant supporter of my writing dreams. i could hardly sleep last night, all my dreams were feverish. i could hardly mourn in a decent way, there was no way for me to get to you, and there is no door to my grief. i wonder what happened and why, on which day and at what time, i am not sure i can ever get over it. it is my loss indeed, too swift and too sudden. i remember the nights we spent talking and talking about the many problems and feelings we had. the isolation we had to fight against. i remember our trip in bangkok, the way we ran into your stupid schoolmates at siam square. i loathed them. and i loathe them still. i remember us at angela's wedding party, the stupid thing we said about pigs and wolves. i remember your down feather jacket, the one that i always forgot to return and the one that i always forgot that i had returned. i remember you as a happy girl, even when you were sad your smiles were always beautiful.

i remember the day we met in our school's classroom. the fact that you knew my elder sister before me. it breaks my heart that we have been forced to part. i should have remembered our date on 20 november, and now i have missed it, and i have missed you forever.

i love you my dear dor, and it hurts so much that i can't hear from you again.

your smiles were the flickers of stars

your smiles were the flickers of stars
that came to me on a Tuesday night
and sailed with me through the dawn
of a Wednesday.

everyday i replay
the details of our sweetness
and the sweetness
of our togetherness.

sometimes i wish i could remember more.
i wish there were ways to trace
at what time, and on which day
that one kiss, one hug, and one touch happened.

as the stars flicker through time,
you give me my moments.
you are my sweet, my fate,
my one in a million.

pick your battles

i remember that when i was around 10 years old i got bullied this one time by a group of classmates, most of them boys, among them there was this one girl. (she always followed them around, a stupid little bitch.) as one of them dragged my hair i turned around and slapped one of the boys on his face. (he happened to be standing right behind me.) it was recess. we were all standing at the playground. time stopped for a while. most of them seemed a bit shocked. and then the school bell rang. they threatened to tell the teacher.

and two lessons passed, and school ended, and the boy said nothing. we spent the rest of the years in peace. we weren't friends. but i haven't befriended many boys in my life. i don't have many friends in my life. it's always the same people i go to, most of them girls, a few of them are really nice boys. i am a little picky about the people i spend time with.

i got bullied a few times in my life because i had dark skin and looked different from other girls. it was usually the boys, stupid, ignorant little boys. i don't think many of them have grown up to be anything attractive.

i don't really enjoy fighting with people but then there are jerks giving birth to little jerks and these little jerks grow up being adult jerks and eventually jerks show up everywhere every once in a while.

most of the time you can't do much about them. but most bullies are cowards. you either play very smart, or play very hard. and you must always pick your battles. but most importantly, as you grow older you realize that time is only counting down to death, a minute passed is a minute lost -- never waste your life on worthless people. 

除毛粒

又到了冬天，一口氣把冬天衫找出來，可能因為我買的都是便宜貨，很多件都長滿了毛粒。但這個世界上有一個很偉大的發明──除毛粒機。當世人為自拍神器瘋狂的時候，我為這除毛粒機而著迷。

做寫手難，做藝術家的寫手更難。每天上班都是絞盡腦汁，想不出東西就交不出貨，交不出貨就即是沒做事，沒做事就即是白領糧，白領糧就是最沒尊嚴的一件事情。所以我暗地裡是感到很大壓力。無論我做幾多甚麼事情都好，只有一個個寫了出來又用了出去的字才是踏實的，其他都是過眼雲煙，不長存，也沒甚麼深度可言。

於是漸漸我很享受不用花太多功夫去思考的「世藝」，好像洗碗、除毛粒。手裡慢條斯理地做事，不斷重覆的動作帶我進入冥想，感覺像在修行一樣。

我喜歡這種平靜。

moment by moment

the older i grow i feel more sure about the uncertainties of life. as i age my body depreciates, my senses are not as sharp, i am less alert about changes.

my existence is too weak. it hardly matters. i feel as if i was trapped in endless cycles. it is like the music chair game, but the music goes on and on and everything is turning and everyone is looking...

quick days, fast pace

october was bad, november has gone, and december has arrived.
once again i am counting down the days. i will soon again be by his side.

my desire to write has not stopped, but i have been writing less and less.
lately i have been confused, and a little upset.
i am struggling between being true to myself and being kind.
i can just stay kind and sweet. it is easier for people to like me when i am sweet.

sometimes i am amazed by how people can get through everything so easily and effortlessly.
and i wonder why i have to work so hard.
lazy people survive still.
they make up all kinds of excuses to get themselves by.

but how i do my work also means how i spend my life.
i have to take good care of every minute.
and how they spend their life is their own business.
what i have to make sure of, is that i cannot let them waste my time.