i have been trying hard not to fit in.

i will always be awkward. i will always be clumsy.
i will always be writing and reading and nerdy.
i will always have strange thoughts at wrong moments,
and be poetic in a city too fast to afford it,
and be romantic in a life too ordinary to be so,
and think too surly at an age too young,
and talk about life like i know it.

but as always, i will try my best and hopefully,
as always
i will somehow

make it.

you make a decision, and you stick with it.
i suck at making small decisions, it takes me ages.
but the big ones, i have had them made already.

saturday

hair up in a messy bun. tiny self tucked in his sweater.

very warm chocolate topped with whipped cream.

it almost feels like i was there.

when i am in love i am head over heels kind of absorbed.

photograph each day

so we can live forever.

i should not dwell on it anymore.
but it dwells on me.

i take random photos of people i love,
sometimes when they are not looking,
sometimes when they are sleeping.
that is my way to have moments seized,
that is my only way, other than writing.

each photo will eventually remind me of something,
when and where
with whom and what for,
sweet smiles, good food, sunsets, lovely wanderings.

it's not because i am asian, or chinese.
(i don't even have my own camera.)

all i need are photos to show my mom,
and later my children, if i will ever have any,
as well as something to remember my own existence,
the very far way i have gone,
and the prettiest days i have lived.

do that little trick, please.

do that little trick to shrink yourself. minimize your own existence so you don't feel yourself so much. so all the hearts under your skin stop beating so loud. so your eyebrows do not frown. so you care more about others. so you understand that the universe spins not around you, and that it's alright for your world to be quiet. so you care less about what may or may not be. so you ache less, worry less and you live better.

please, cherry, please.

hey dear, i am back.

i think a little blogging will not hurt.

even when it's winter there are still ants crawling on my bed (and me.) i have no idea why they love it so much here. i have a principle of not killing ants when it's not necessary, because my dad told me once that they were simply going their own way, and we were not supposed to hurt or kill anything just because we could. maybe that's why, they know you won't hurt them, so they stick with who they feel safe with.

enough about ants. i have been to denmark again, after 4 long months of waiting and lovesickness. but the waiting was rewarding, the lovesickness was, too. i was seriously spoiled with some of the most love-filled and hygge-filled days in my life, happy and grateful as a girl can be. 

but i owe my friends an apology. in the past year i was so busy falling in love and making my career work that i often disappeared. this year, 2013, i am hoping to make it up to them. 

2012 went well though, there was a great amount of hardship work-wise, and i could not count how many nights i got off work crying on my way home. i have spent a plenty amount of time whining, but after nine months of struggle my days have dawned. i really would love to stick with my boss if he would let me. maybe it is also because sometimes the little things about him remind me of my dad, despite the fact that i really love being a writer-editor. i am told by a fortune-teller that 2013 would mean a tough and challenging year for me. oh i fear. but it has been long since i last lived an easy year indeed. i will just have to live it up no matter what.

so, stop dwelling in the past, and fear not the future. the present is all that i should be concerned with. the future is, afterall, made up with all the moments you have made. in so short a life to live, every little thing counts. (i know how cheesy these sound, but words empower minds and hearts.)

nothing ever goes to waste.

i just need a little time to fight this entangling lovesickness that has been haunting all my dreams, and adjust myself from heavenly days to earthly matters.

命裡的人

有緣千里能相會，無緣見面不相識。

我很想他。

可是還是要回家。從前還懂得硬著頭皮不哭，裝著獨立走到他看不見的地方，現在是一點點離開的想法都受不了，淚就是要流，人就是要抱著不肯放手。可是媽媽掛念我了，我還有未完的工作，人不能太任性，要好好抓緊從前那知足的自己，十天八天都滿懷安慰了，感謝上天給我一個如意郎君。往後也是要努力工作，在寫作裡磨練身心。如果是真愛，我們會堅持，無論在天涯海角之間有著甚麼。

親愛的神和天使們，我就只想愛這男孩子。