其實我份人真的很簡單。

還是很複雜？

我習慣了沉默。有很多事情，我不會說，也不想要求，我只是給自己一個限期，默默耕耘，付出到一個地步，如果希望發生的事情沒有發生，我就默默退出。小時候的我會為自己爭取，長大了以後反而不會，我認為有心沒心都是自動自覺的事情。有人會覺得，你不說，別人又怎麼知道你想怎樣？但事情一旦說穿了，我就不想要，也不想再繼續。

這是心的事，我就是不能做違心的事。

如果你懂我，你就會知道。

三生有幸

話說早幾天經過一家珠寶店，在做大減價，我貪得意進去看了看。個人而言，我只對能夠保值的黃金，以及Georg Jensen的小雛菊有興趣，但售貨員推介我看一對藍寶耳環，我就好奇看一下。看了看，我說很薄，又有裂，色也不吸引，還了給她，她聽到我說有裂，非常激動，說：小姐！這怎麼會是裂？這是K金拓！你再看一下、再看一下！

其實，是真的是K金拓，只是我是真的是重口味。在我的認知裡面，珠寶創作追求見石不見金，見金不見爪，(這是我老闆的追求)。我在五年的工作之中，培養出一種自然反應，很自然的，我會覺得一顆寶石鑲了做珠寶，這顆寶石，用肉眼去看，依然會是它最自然的色相和狀態，怎麼可能在寶石的正中心出現打橫一條的金屬倒影？

突然之間，我醒悟了。這份工作，讓我這樣一個不知天高地厚的人，見盡了世上最高的工藝、最美的珠寶，而我，竟然傻傻的，將不凡當做平凡。

生病記

我最愛的丹麥人來了香港大半年，零距離的相處令我們發現很多有趣的文化差異。比方說，香港的打工仔，每次請病假，那怕只是半天，都必須要看醫生拿醫生紙，這件事情在他眼中覺得不可思議，一個社會，竟然可以缺乏信任到這個地步。(註：在丹麥請兩三日假以上才需要醫生紙。)

話說，所有人都知，感冒初起之時，一個人最需要的就是休息。對於小病，醫生除了寫醫生紙，實在沒有甚麼用。看醫生不便宜，負擔不起又沒醫療保險的打工仔，只好帶病上班，一傳十又十傳百，促成一場無休無止的感冒戰。 (我畢業後的第一份工，一日返工來回四句鐘，試過窮到沒錢坐車回家，更何況是付錢看醫生，幸而我當時的老闆很好人，到目前為止我遇到過的老闆都很好人。)

我們明明從來都與細菌共生。從何時開始，細菌可以惡過我們的免疫系統？怪只怪我們有看醫生和吃藥的時間，卻沒有給身體休息和復原的時間，形成了萬劫不復的惡性循環，終於，小病不癒，還拖垮了身子。

last year tomorrow

i lost my sa. it didn't hit me before tonight. suddenly everything came rushing back. overwhelming. i don't know how i lost her and for what -- old age, maybe? suddenly she was not eating. suddenly she was sick. and dying. and suddenly she died. we went all the way from taipo to sai ying pun that day. and she died right before we arrived at the clinic. she probably didn't want to go there. it was my idea. it was a bad idea. we should have stayed home together. all of us. why didn't i think better?

a year went by. things happened. bad things. good things. we moved. and i moved out now. i moved back, staying close to where we used to live. i go home to see mom everyday and i come back here.

the only comfort i have is from thinking that she is now at a better place.

i miss her so, so much.

maybe she is with dad now and they are both happy and free.

吃的回憶

近來愛上了為食物拍照，尤其是媽媽煮的每一餐，幾肚餓都好，總之「相機食先」。為甚麼要拍照？為甚麼看到美好的風光、美味的食物、親愛的對象，都總會有一刻想拿起相機拍個照？因為我怕我會忘記。因為我知道日子每天在流逝，過去了的每一分鐘都追不回來。因為我感恩我擁有的，食物消化掉化成回憶，相片留下來就是生命的證據。

你有沒有試過，突然一天，看見一張照片，才記起某件早已忘記了的一件開心／重要事？你有沒有試過，失去了一位親人或朋友，掛念得不得了，但想來想去都再想不起關於這個人的一個小細節？而偏偏你連一張照片都沒有。

從前拍照相對地貴，菲林一卷幾十塊錢，用完要去沖曬又是幾十塊錢，還要用上時間，曬出來不同尺寸又是不同收費...... 現在有了數碼相機、手機，隨時隨地都可以拍照，可能拍了九成都是垃圾，或者永遠不會重覆再看的照片，但要留住某刻的感受或滋味，對於某人某事的回憶，可能就只有那麼一張照片。

更何況，別人眼中的一碗麵，在我眼中是藝術，是色彩和線條，是情感的表達，是歲月的精華，是精神的投入，是愛的表現。

偶然滑一下手機，這些吃的回憶，是我一天下來最珍惜的點滴。

因為我快樂，因為我喜歡，因為我感動，因為我感激

我最親愛的人，我的「吃的回憶」。

i say it over and over again

many times in my heart

and in my head.

my love reincarnates 

time after time.

i cannot foresee 

what is to become of it

everytime we part

and we part 

everytime we meet. 

it kills me everytime

but it lives.

i say it over and over again

many times in my heart

and in my head.

decluttering my life

people won't believe how long time it has taken for us to move, even though we are only moving within the same village. it's actually due to the lazy move we had 6 years ago. we simply put everything into boxes and placed all boxes in the balcony and let them be. so, when we finally gathered up enough courage to confront those boxes, we were met with insane beehives. YES. BEEHIVES. they were everywhere. on every box. luckily they weren't active.

the boxes indeed carried so much of my memories. i discovered my diaries written long time ago. letters i wrote to myself. letters and cards people wrote to me. i realized how hardworking i have been in the past 8 years -- so many payslips but the money is long gone.

i had this bad habit of keeping all the bills and tickets and eventually they had piled up so much to take up most of my room. now i am moving to a new place and a much smaller room i must not pile things up again.

today i am 29 years old. when i look back now it's still surprising to see how things happened so quickly in the past. my dad became a part of my memories, sasa, too. and dorothy. when i looked through my stuff i found all those postcards from her when she was travelling in europe.

my 20s is almost gone now. i need to be more aware of my here and now because that's the only thing that counts.

安靜

短促的生命，只容得下真正重要的人和事。
有些事情，當下覺得很重要，回頭看都是過眼雲煙。

早一陣子好傷心。
沙沙往生了，我們的世界再也不一樣。

我也對一些事情頓然覺醒。

有些朋友，只能是好天氣朋友。
天氣一壞就消失了，天氣好轉以後又回來。

有些朋友，在壞天氣時出現。
不會讓你的難過懸在半空。

過去的時光，我把一切都搞錯了。

a part of me has given up.

maybe it's me. you know. maybe i am the reason why i am so awfully alone. maybe i am supposed to be like this. a part of me has given up on making efforts to build bridges. i don't want to connect anymore. i don't need the connection. let it be.

i just need to find a way to get out of this depression and move on with my life. it's about me and my life afterall. it doesn't concern anyone else besides my family. and my family is the reason why i need to be strong.

now that sasa is not here. i keep returning to the same corners where she used to sit or sleep or wander. of course, the apartment is so small. and she was everywhere. she would be next to my bed, near the table, in her room, by the stairs, in the bathroom, on the sofa, outside the kitchen... i miss her so much there is no way to explain this sadness. everytime i think of her it is like someone stabbing right into my heart.

she was always here. and now she is gone for good.

i tried to tell myself that life had to end somewhere anyways but it didn't help. maybe when we are dead we forget about everything and what we have or have not done doesn't matter anymore because we won't know or feel anything about this life anymore.

maybe.

how i feel

i don't know how i feel exactly, but my feelings are vivid. surrounding me is an airy presence of emptiness and loneliness. i want to talk about it but i am tired of people not being able to understand. my world has narrowed itself down to my very own existence. for the first time i realize that i am kind of friendless.

my loss

it was my gain. and it is now my loss. the 15 years together have been a true blessing. the unconditional love, the precious company, and the total trust and loyalty.

my graceful sasa. our loving baby sister.

sunday was her funeral. she slept so sweetly in her casket. we took her ashes, rowed to the sea, and let her go.

run now, sasa, be free, enjoy.

you will always be a wonder to me. your grace i will keep, as a treasured part of my being.

i love you.

12.2000-22.11.2015

my graceful sasa passed away. this heartache won't go away and I have no idea how to make life not empty again. she was the toughest and the coolest she fought it till the end. I love her so much I hope she will come see me in my dreams tonight. I am grateful for the 15 years together and I wish so much to hug her and see her again. I think a part of me is dying. The whole family misses her. Mom keeps forgetting that she is gone... It's too sad...

the melancholic poetess

the very sad truth is that, i am only inspired to write when i am sad. i had been extremely happy in the past few weeks, just like every single time before, as long as i am with him i am automatically filled up with joy. but then i couldn't write. i was too busy to live.

so, as usual, time flies. 21 days flashed by. we didn't do much. but that is exactly what i love about us. i love our natural, down to earth togetherness.

fatter det nu.

Detox Days

I haven't been updating my detox diary because I basically have been having the same food everyday when I am detoxing i.e. yogurt for breakfast and salad for lunch. And few times a week in the past two weeks I was brought to lunch by my boss with clients, and there was nothing detoxing in those luncheons. And I don't feel like keeping records of all the interruptions I got.

However, my major progress is that I have become highly aware of what I eat, and that I have grown to love eating vegetables and I am also much more energetic than I used to be. I managed to be at work early i.e. arriving at 9am (workhing hours start at 9:30am) most days in the past two weeks. To me that is the greatest benefit of having decided to adjust my lifestyle.

But being at work early doesn't mean you get to leave work on time. No. If you are a Hongkonger you probably know. My office hours ended at 11pm last friday.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 8:30am to take Sasa to the vet. She hasn't been at her best health and so we are taking extra good care of her lately. And unfortunately she seems to have twisted her ankle yesterday afternoon -- clumsy old lady! So we spent the whole day taking care of her today.

And of course, there is work that I have brought home from the office -- I just got a part of it done, and that's why I am taking the opportunity to blog at 1am.

Everyday I remind myself that: if I were in my deathbed I would be regretting all the hours I spent in my office.

I just want to be with the people I love, and that is why I work so hard, so I can keep everything in place, but what's the point if I trade all my time with them away?

There are other aspects of life that need detoxing.

Detox Day 6

Yesterday morning I started with a plain yogurt with cucumbers and tomatoes again. It tastes so good I can eat it everyday.

At lunch I had a green apple chicken salad. That's a big box of veggie and it felt great knowing that I was eating healthy.

When I arrived home at night I was so cold and hungry and mom made fish that tasted like heaven so I devoured a bowl of rice with it.

And then I passed out. It was probably because I woke up at 6ish am to go to work.

It was horrible because I fell asleep without brushing my teeth and I dreamt that I had a rotten tooth and I could not find a dentist to help me.

Of course I had to make a dream like that.

Detox Day 5: The beginner's body

I am starting to seriously consider changing this diary's title from Detox Day to Detox Failure. But anyways, let's try to see where the beginner's body is going.

Yesterday morning I woke up, drank apple vinegar, and ate a bowl of plain yogurt with cucumbers and tomatoes. Delicious! Indian style. 2 hours later I devoured a mango. And 2 hours after that, my mom made fish cakes.

Thai style fabulous fish cakes made from fresh fish!!!!!!!!

I finished the whole plate. :S And then I felt so tired I had to take a nap -- probably because of the oil...

At night I had a big glass of 5 greens juice. I felt great actually, for I rarely consume so much veggie.

Detox Day 4

Yesterday I went to see the Moomin movie with Milo and it is just such an accustomed ritual to get popcorn and cola at the cinema so I did it automatically. Bad move, I know.

And then I had a salmon salad for dinner. And a bowl of plain yogurt when I got home.

This morning I woke up and did a yogurt-honey DIY facial mask. :)

Detox Day 3

I deem yesterday as a 80% failure. I was pretty safe at the Chinese Tea House lunch and I managed to only eat the ginger pieces from the sweet and sour pork plate, lots of water spinach and a shrimp dumpling, a bowl of congee and a few small pieces of meat.

In the afternoon I ate a lemon tart (my colleague's farewell cake.) And a cup of black tea with milk.

At night it was mother's day dinner so I failed totally. I ate a bit of everything from peking duck to sweet and sour pork, drunken chicken and fried rice. Though I also ate veggie and had a bowl of soup.

:S 

And as I am typing this I am sitting at Tai Hing having rice noodles and a piece of toast.

So, I just have to start over. I will be eating only fruits and drinking 5 greens juice starting from this afternoon. I hope I can do it for 3 days.

Detox Day 2

Yesterday was not very sucessful. I had blueberry yogurt for breakfast and it was wonderful. But at lunch it became difficult as I had a lunch date with my colleagues and we went to a restaurant that offered nothing that fit my programme. So I had fish and a little bit pork, luckily my colleagues ate most of the potatoes for me. (And I managed to finish all the veggie which I usually wouldn't touch.) At night I had strawberry yogurt. It was not so easy to do so when my mom had made delicious spaghetti!

This morning I had strawberry yogurt again and the challenge will come at lunch when I have to eat with boss and clients. There is this Chinese restaurant and there is this dessert I really like and there is this boss who always remembers... :S

But you see, in the past year I had spent hkd24 on buying an airy bun with tea every morning. The bun gave me fatigue. That's why I am very happy with the yogurt I can eat, which costs less and is healthier.

*I am only minimizing my solid food intake for a week as my system needs to be cleansed. After this I will eat healthy and normal. Food is a pleasure!

Detox Day 1

Thanks to my little sis's support and encouragement, I have officially started to detox since yesterday. I was successful during breakfast and lunch, but at the company dinner it became quite difficult, luckily it was Japanese food we were having so it wasn't very heavy.

So the plan is that I increase fruit and veggie intake daily, reduce sugar consumption (in fact I have started the sugar reduction a week ago as I suspected that it was one of the reasons that made me itch all the time. And too much sugar makes you age faster!) And avoid solid food intake for a week (so when I am hungry I drink a lot of water or tea or soup or eat yogurt etc.)

I had apples for breakfast in the morning and salmon salad for lunch. A cup of holick for tea (as I was very hungry) and sushi for dinner -- all fish. A glass of apple vinegar before bed and another glass at 7am this morning (that is when I start to wake up.)

I feel better already. :)